Randomness #10

It's been awhile since I posted, huh!  That's probably because I've been pretty happy!  What point is there in posting to a mostly whiny blog when one is happy?  Well I still am, but I might as well do a randomness stuff.  It's full of vitamins and mineral.

Cashews are delicious!  So are almonds!  And pecans!  And peanuts!  And pistachios!  And ... Ah heck.  I just like nuts.

I'm going to a party today where they're making me a fedora cake!  I can think of no greater compliment.

Living in an RV doesn't sound like that bad of a deal.  Not as a bachelor anyway....

Oh amour, who needs ya?

For christmas, I got (another) new fedora!  Except this one is very high quality and will probably last a very long time.  It's just a better hat!  I also got a tweed overcoat and a khaki trenchcoat.  I love long coats!  This is the beginning of... me wearing long coats?  And a new hat?  That wasn't as dramatic written down as it was in my mind...

Jukeboxes are so rad, man!  I want one that operates using pennies.  I'd put it in my dorm.

Do hardcore consumerists cry the day after Christmas?  Is it like when you realize the thrill of buying a dog is over and that dog just peed on your carpet.

I like "How to Train your Dragon" a lot even though it's obviously not the best movie out there.  I don't know.  It's just so fun and cute!

Swing dancing again tonight!  Aw yeaaaaah!  I'm gonna not pick up any womens cuz... cuz I won't.

My neck kinda hurts.  I wonder if I slept on it funny?

Hey you all!  Do nice things for other people, especially drug dealers!  Those guys usually aren't all that lucky, maybe if they had a kind word, they'd reform.  Maybe.

Home again

I am home and I am happy because I just realized how much better I like it here than I do in Provo.  In som ways anyhow.  I do like mountains more than flats (probably because I have no car) but the company is better here because I HAVE company.  At least, a lot more often and it's more easy to relate to them I guess.
I can be more me-ish?  Hmm, now what does THAT mean?  It was brought to light that I don't have personality.  No that's not right, I've got PLENTY of personality.  I just don't know what it is.  Who I am.  Blah.
My mom pointed out to me that I do this thing with my voice (push it back she says) when I'm obviously faking or saying what people probably want to hear.  That's sorta why I cancelled my therapy.  I just couldn't open up to the guy.  Too busy trying to reassure that I really wasn't bad off at all, silly.  I guess I just don't like people worrying about me and I'd rather they were happy.  If the sacrifice is that I'm terrible at sharing some of my own beef, than so be it?
Is that me?

I hanged out with some friends from home today.  It was fun and I got too excited and thus talkative.  Probably talked more at once today than I have in the last 6 months.

Of course, now that I look back, I was also on a painkiller that featured a lot of caffeine...  That probably helped...

Ladeeda

Whewffta!  I slept til like 10 today!  For me that is ridiculously late.  And I didn't even get a headache!  I didn't get one from the two hours of civilization four I played either.  Feeling a little glazed maybe, and if I do get the headsaw, then I have my Excedrin.  Excedrin is a miracle drug, cuz advil and aspirin sometimes just don't cut it.  But excedrin has the secret weapon of a ton of caffeine, which apparently helps...

Hey.. it just deleted my entire post beyond that!  Aww

-Ok, here's what it was:
-got to projectforawesome.com and give it money
-the word "Awesome" shouldn't be used that much, but whatever
-I wrote a hilariously depressing song, but I'm not depressed so I don't really know why
-I'm a person.

Finals finished

One would think that now that I've finished finals, I would be relieved and happy.
And in many ways I am, but today still has the makings of something that went wrong.

I'm noticing this pattern of events that happen the night before a big test, because I identified the three non-variables:
1. I had trouble getting to sleep.  When I have something weighing on my mind, I really just don't get to sleep easily.
2. Inexplicably, my roommate always snores his loudest on nights before I test.  I really in all honesty can't sleep while that's going on... And seriously, ALWAYS the night before I test!
3. My neighbor (I suspect it's my closest neighbor, also known as my RA) loves either loud music or movies in what can only technically be called the morning.
Needless to say, a sleep-deprived Khail is not the kind that is fun to be around.
ALSO!
Ok, so I've heard that book sellbacks at University bookstores were stingy.  My hopes weren't too high.
BUT WHAT I GOT WAS ROBBERY.
  First of all, a book I paid 80 bucks for (USED) and that go no damage sold for less than half!  And that's the only book they bought back, the rest were apparently "no good".  So I've got about $150 worth of books I don't want at all.
The BASTARDS

Woooaaahh, there's a word I just don't use.  Maybe I should take a nap.

And yes, I'm very relieved and grateful that finals are done.

Final goal

So today is a day I cram for finals.  I have two of them tomorrow.  However, one of them is a film based on, which means we watch a film their and then write the critique.  Not a whole lot I can do to study for that, in all honesty, with the exception of looking over the requirements for the paper.  So that's pretty much done now.
The other one is my Creativity final, which involves a lot of history.  This is the one that I've devoted today to.  I think I've set up the way I'll manage this.  The studying is conveniently on a flashcard website that uses keywords and such with definitions and it'll even set up quizzes with them.  Nice nice, that's what I can use.  The important thing to manage is breaks.  Without breaks, I'll crash, burn, and die in explicit agony.  With too many breaks, I'll get no work done, go to my final tomorrow and crash, burn, then die in explicit agony.  I've developed the two kind of breaks that one should take.  There's the:
EYE BREAK:  This one is most important for keeping headaches and such away.  Eye breaks can be taken every 30-60 minutes, but should last no longer than 10 minutes.  An eye break is what it sounds like, a break for your eyes.  On an eye break, you CANNOT use your computer, cell phone, notebook, or anything else (that includes listening to music).  Use it to get a snack, lay down for a bit, use the bathroom, go for a quick jog.  Something that will keep you relaxed and able to focus, but not to break up the rhythm of studying.  The break for that is the:
GRACE BREAK:  Grace breaks can only be taken every two hours.  They can, however, last from 30-50 minutes.  Also, you can do anything during a grace break, be it on your computer or not... EXCEPT STUDY.  If your on a Grace break, then seriously, live life a little!  Play a video game, watch a quick show or maybe grab a small nap.  Just do something that is fun and will have you feel fresh and new and ready to dive back into the final with some renewed energy.

I recommend this system of breaks for anyone running their mind through the wood-chipper that is finals.

@#$% Dances

I used to like dances.  I used to be good at faking like I could dance.  I used to be able to ask a girl to slow dance with me.  Seriously, she could be a complete stranger!  But something (don't know what) happened. And now I can't.
Not entirely sure why.

What the frick.


Y'know, tomorrow I'll probably wake up feeling 100% better, and I'm not sure I trust that.

This. Is. Not. Like. Me.

      Something that I find horribly pointless is celebrity crushes.  Notably crushes on actors/actresses.  It's a good thing to admire their work, and what the hey, a lot of them are quite attractive people.  No shame in that!  But when one is at the point where they're all "Man I'd have XXXXX's babies" or if they're more reserved (and less slutty-spoken) "Sure would love to take him/her out" and then go on to obsess just a bit (or a lot more than a bit) about this person, THEY ARE WASTING TIME.  Celebrities may or may not be nice people, depending on who they are, but even if they are, they most likely have NO idea who you are.
None at all.  Even if you got them to sign something or met them in person at some event, I highly doubt they will remember you for more than a few minutes simply because of the sheer amount of people they meet.  (Unless you do something so embarrassing that they can't forget you, but even then you're really worse off...).  I'd also like to mention that knowing a whole lot about a celebrity crush is essentially useless information.  It's not even a good ice breaker like trivial information is.
Compare:
"Did you know that the Earth's rotation is actually gradually slowing down?" (We won't notice for thousands of years)
to
"Did you know that (apparently hot actresses name here)'s really likes to donate other people's kidneys?"
...
Umm, ok the Kidney one might be a decent ice breaker, but only because it's not real.  A better one is "Did you know (Actress)'s bra size is ???"  Uhhhh, who worth associating with cares?
I mean, c'mon, what are you going to do knowing what charities some actor or actress volunteers at?  No, it doesn't bring you closer to them.  They don't know who you are, remember?  And I'm not saying that like it's a bad thing!  Being well known or not doesn't diminish anyone's value.  Just who you'll ever end up meeting!
...
I bring this up because I bet there's a lot of people who agree with me, yet have celeb crushes anyway.  IT's hard to just drop anything.
Like I do.
Stupid emotions.


(But I DON'T know a lot of creepy things about her, because I refuse to look them up.)

Guitars

Heh, ignore that last post, it was, umm, nonexistant!!! You only imagined it!  That said, what is wrong with you?
Tody is the first day I've straight up enjoyed playing my guitar.  Oh did I mention?  My uncle Keith gave me a guitar.  I used to play, but kinda dropped it in high school (I wasn't all that good anyway) but now I'm picking it up again.
Don't get me wrong, I find it a pleasure to practice almost any time, but it can be a bit tedious sometimes.  However, today I got really into it and made some pretty cool, if not impressively intricate, music.  I was psyched (and am looking forward to playing again once I'm out of classes and have finished my clean check... yikes).  Also I'm sorta kinda developing my own sound, which is pretty nice.  It's sort of a rock influenced indie-folk sound.  The thing is that I rarely like to cover other peoples songs.  I find it useful to know a few songs by other bands, but I really just like to write my own stuff.  I'm even looking into adding lyrics to some of my more developed ones, but all in due time.
When it comes to guitars I honestly have a mixed opinion.  Its a great instrument and I love the sound of a good acoustic guitar, but it kinda bothers me when dudes learn three chords and then go and try to woo women.  It's even more annoying when it works.  And that's why I really don't plan to bring the ol' six string out of any practice environment until I have something to show that has a bit of skill.
Yeah.
Guitars.
Cool.

Sports

http://www.qwantz.com/index.php?comic=2094

Dinosaur Comics is here.  Go read this one.

Dinosaur Comics is one of y favorite webcomics.  Somehow by using the exact same illustrations day to day, this guy (Ryan North) makes just about ALL OF THEM hilarious!
And every now and then, like this example here, it rings almost painfully true in a way that makes one's elementary, middle, and high school experiences come rushing back in a wave of clumsy emotion.

Results

My partial media fast is over today!  I screwed it up only about twice:
I did read through the archives of a comic I hadn't read and I played pandemic 2 for a bit.
I didn't ever go on Facebook, so that was a win.  I admit sometimes I yearned to just go on Facebook and kill some time (especially right before work) but I practiced ukulele or drew things instead.  Win.
In fact, my creativity went up while I was away from video games and overly social media.  I drew more comics, I played more ukulele, made a few vlog posts, and actually got out a few times with some folks who I suppose I might call friends.  Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be back to FB and Minecraft.  They're fun diversions!  However, now that I now how much they hindered me before, I hope I will cut back on them quite a bit and thus make my life a better place to be.
All-in-all, I recommend it.

My Lord, what a morning

       Ah, 'tis the morning here for me.  I slept beautifully with no silly waking up with headaches which oft happens when I sleep in.  As it's thanksgiving break, me, two of my brothers and they're significant others (one's got a wife, the other a fiancé, I get along very well with both) and my cousin who I've not seen for awhile are all staying the time at my Grandma's place in Southern Utah, which is a BEAUTIFUL place, let me tell you!  On Wednesday we went to all the neat rock shops that are in this little town and then helped my Uncle Keith put up a ceiling on the patio.  Yesterday was devoted to the thanksgiving feast, which was a coma inducing joy.  I acquired a surprising liking to stuffed mushrooms, which is odd because usually I don't like mushrooms or onions, which were in them.  After that me, my brother Jake (the engaged one) and my Uncle Keith had a good old hillbilly music time (Keith is a man of the mountains through and through.  He also randomly owns a lot of stringed instruments.  I got pretty good at the autoharp and I'm not bad at the mandolin).
        All in all, everything is fine.  I kinda wish school wasn't coming on Monday, but I think that I'm ready for it mentally/emotionally yadda yadda yadda.
    Alright, love you all!

Hello Freaking world

       Sometimes I have trouble writing down the things I like.  I'm not saying it's a common practice of mine to do so, but when I join a website, update my Facebook (still on the fast from it, haven't broken!), add to a blog or something it's something I do.  And it's freaking hard!  I don't think that I'm just bad at liking things, because I do like plenty of things!  I think the world is beautiful and such (when I'm down I get upset at the world for being so beautiful and mocking my bad mood.  Did that make sense?  I hope not.)  It's just that when called to put those sorts of things down I just.... can't.... recall.... ANYTHING!  And it's slightly frustrating because then I wonder what I like and do I like anything and blah blah blah.

blah.

      I don't like blah.  It's just there to fill space.  No depth to blah.  Might as well not be there for all anyone cares with a blah.  blah blah blah

NO! 
 I can't be blah.  I am doing what I can not to be blah!  There's too much life to freaking live and too many freaking adventures to freaking go on to freaking mope and say I'm freaking blah, which is what I was going to freaking do.  I freaking say "freaking" a lot when I want to rile myself up.  It kind of freaking works.

I recommend it to any freaking person who wants to just freaking sit there and freaking sulk.  And don't freaking use it to belittle yourself.  USE IT TO FREAKING WORK YOURSELF UP!!!

AH FREAK THAT FELT GOOD!

Goodness!

      Sometimes I feel the need to check the stats on this here blog (I usually follow my comic blog's stats more diligently) and I've been surprised by a frequent viewership from Russia.  I doubt it's more than one or two people who read this, but it looks like it's kind of consistent.
     I'm touched!
     I regret to say that I know very little of Russia, it's past or any of its culture.  Despite that, it's always been a country that intrigued me.  Here's the very little of Russia that I know from the top of my head:
- It's HUGE  (biggest country in the world, right?)
-A lot of the hugeness is from Siberia, which is cold and probably pretty uninhabited.
-Russia has a small company that breeds and sells domestic foxes.  I want one.
-We didn't get along to well in the Cold War, but that was before my time so no hard feelings, right?
-Peter the Great?  He was Russian right?  I forgot why he was so great.  I do know that he was freaking tall and apparently met Napoleon.
-If someone tries to invade Russia, it won't work.
-Russian women apparently make great models (so I've been told)
-Cossacks were Russian...
-My name (Mikhail) is Russian in origin, despite the fact I have no Russian blood.  Mom, dad, I still don't get it...
-Stalin was a jerk.  Was Lenin a Jerk?  I don't know...
-Cyrillic is the Russian alphabet.  I don't know it, but it looks cool, and Russian sounds cool.
-Mussorgsky was Russian... I thiiiiink. So was Tchaikovsky.  Both good composers.
-Czars were the rulers of Russia before the Communists came to power.

      Huh, I guess I knew a little bit more than I thought.  It still doesn't do it any justice, I'm sure.  I should look up more about Russia.

      Hello to my Russian follower(s)

Randomness #9

I don't know if it's because of my therapy or my media fast, but my depression is going on slight decline.  I'm actually quite impressed with it all!  I'm meeting people, almost talking to girls :3 and doing more creative things.  I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm a happy person now, but I'm improving.  Is it just a phase?  Maybe, but I'll enjoy it while it stays.

Re-read The Screwtape Letters. It's an excellent and somewhat sobering view on sin from the point of view of a devil.  If you're Christian, than I recommend you read it.  It can be slightly eye-opening, despite it's age.

Last week's ballroom classes sucked.  I buffed the final on quickstep because the restart is fricking hard!  However, this week I randomly got better at it, and my waltz is getting pretty good.  I was considering not taking social dance next term, but now I most definitely will.

Word of the moment: Vulpine adj.  It technically means foxlike, but can be used to mean craft or clever or something like that.

Dreams still interest me because things I thought long dead are coming back to me in my dreams.  This used to happen to me when I finished being in a play or musical.  What I mean is that about a month or two after the show I had a nightmare of the show going completely wrong.  My theory is that this is the point that my mind is entirely forgetting my lines, and trying one last hurrah to get them back.  As it can't, the show goes wrong.  Maybe my mind does that for memories that I'm making peace with as well.

I need to say "frick" less...

A good way to sound condescending is to reply to a foreign expression with "Sorry, I don't speak Dutch".

Why do you want to sound condescending?  That's not very nice...

If you subscribe to my comics, then you already know this, but last night I saw the tap dancing master, Savion Glover.  It was amazing!!!  Then I got to meet him and he signed my hat!  Unfortunately, I was nearly last in line for meeting the guy, and I could tell that he was pretty tired both from tapping up a storm and from signing things and taking pictures.  All he could muster to say to most people was "Yeah, man".  Ah well, can't blame him.  It was kinda funny actually.

This is actually the second picture we took, because my phone camera was being dumb, the first one had us arms around each other.  I kinda like this one more.

Parameters

I think a total media fast (No computer, No cell phones, No TV, etc.) is really kinda stupid.  I mean, I couldn't function that well in a social scene (well, I already function poorly on the social scene) without my cell phone.  It's just a convenience.  Now if I texted for 5 hours a day, I would take a break from it, but I don't.  I really just use it to hang out with a few people.
So I'm doing a partial media fast.  Even though I'm allowing myself some things, it's still going to cut me down quite a bit.  Here's the parameters of it, and I hope I'll follow them religiously:
-NO Facebook.
-NO Video Games, with the exception being if they're for a date, which is highly unlikely
-Can only check webcomics on the day they update and ONLY the updated comics (no going through the archives)
-NO Netflix (easier since my family cancelled their plan) except at friend/family house.
-Can only watch updated YouTube channels and only the updates.  The exception is if I'm at a home other than my own and a video is showed to me.
-Blogging's alright, but a minimum of 30 minutes of reading blogs is allowed a DAY (not sure where to put comic blogs in this)
-I will still update my comic blog Monday, Wednesday, Friday.  This is just a hint that you should look at it...
-Looking up things on Wikipedia and other related sites is cool, EXCEPT for Minecraft wiki...  That's honestly a problem.
-Fast will start TOMORROW 11/15 and will be allowed to end on Monday the 28th!

     My whole reasoning behind this media fast is to motivate myself to do more things.  I noticed (and so did my therapist) that I just can't get myself to do things a lot of the time.  Realizing that two of the main culprits were Minecraft and Facebook, I chose (am choosing) to implement this fast.  Last time I did this was to get a date and was only video game related in my fast.  It kinda didn't work because I got a date only a few days later, which was (I think) only coincidence.  That's why this one has a definite set of dates.  I can get the coolest date ever and fall madly in love and I still have to wait until the 28th to add her on FB... probably (I guess that might be extenuating circumstances, but probably not going to happen anyhow).

MEIN RESOLVE!!!

Caligynephobia

Caligynephobia is the fear of beautiful women.  Now, I've jokingly said that I'm afraid of women (well, honestly it's not that jokingly, but I'm not incapacitated from it).  It seems that there is a legitimate fear of attractive females, otherwise why would there be a word for it?  Does it affect girls?  Probably.  Does it in all honesty affect me?  Recently.  Will I overcome it someday?



FRICK YEAH!

Meh

Why, I ask myself, did I wake up today?  It was a pretty poor move on my part.  My bed was warm and comfy and I got up and the world b-slapped me, and I shoulda stayed in bed.
But if I sleep too long I get migraines...
So I guess I had to get up to avoid that.
...
words are here.
...
Frick.

Possibility of Pain

If anything at all is important to you, then it is possible to get hurt.
It's a vulnerability that just about everyone shares.
    To really water it down, avoiding unnecessary physical pain is important to all but the masochistic.  So when we fail to keep this important thing, we are quite literally hurt by it.  If we didn't care about avoiding this, we would still be physically damaged to some extent, but probably not as surprised when it does happen.  Probably a bit more apathetic about it too.
     Another example is other people.  Is someone important to you?  If so, then you are vulnerable to being hurt for or by this person.  If something unfortunate happens to them, then you feel bad for them and in a small way you are affected negatively by it.  If you didn't care about that person, you wouldn't really care what happened to them.  Also, if they inexplicably did something unfortunate to you, the amount of negative reaction to it would probably be based pretty much on how important of a person that was to you.
     Now, understand, these are musings.  I don't recommend avoiding getting hurt so much that you choose apathy as a way of life.  At that point there's not much to go with.  Getting hurt and having things important to you is part of life.
I guess that's obvious, but sometimes we need to write the obvious things down to really get them.
sorta

A year

Well, I'm 19.  Let's all look at what I did while I was 18!  Why the frick not?

+ My last marching band event ever was on my 18th birthday.  Hard to imagine it would ever end, but sadly it did.
+ Got accepted to and began to attend BYU.  Kinda disillusioned about it all, but it's still a decent place to be.
+ Changed my nickname from Mack to Khail.  Some people back home still call me Mack.  No real reason to press the issue.
+ Fell in love or something.  Fell harder than I thought I could.  Fell out of it too.  With a good, sturdy, bone-breaking thud.
+ Started a vlog!
+ Started a comic site too!
+ Graduated high school with honors.  I didn't think I did well enough for honors, but was pleasantly surprised.
+ Got my first personal computer
+ Got my first speeding ticket :P
+ Was in the play Snow White as an old creepy man
+ Went to prom with Spirit
+ Acquired a deep love for kites
+ Went to Florida on a band trip where I experienced (that is the correct word for it) the best cream soda ever
+ Composed my second brass choir
+ Got three different jobs, one typing, one lifting rocks, and one cooking/cleaning.
+ My motto for our class got chosen (anonymously)
+ Learned Ukulele
Etc.
Of course I did way more than that, but my memory's not too good.  Still, it's been a year of my life I can't go back to or redo, and y'know what?  I think I'm ok with that right now.  Not always, but right now I'm fine.

The Stuff here and now.

My post titles have gotten lamer of late.  Ah well.  Get used to it I suppose (talking to myself there, which is what I honestly do in most of this blog).

Well I was off Minecraft for almost two weeks and I just broke that little reprieve yesterdayish, maybe the day before.  And by broke, I mean SHATTERED, I've been playing so much minecraft and it's been awesome.

My sociology test was a train wreck.  But not a flaming, everyone-died, train wreck.  There were a few casualties sure, but many survived with only a few broken bones and some burns.  They might even be able to save the caboose as it made it out essentially unharmed.

My Birthday is on Sunday.  I never know what I think of my birthday.  My 13th was grand I think.  My 16th was actually pretty lame, but the consequences of turning 16 were good.  Last year's was a blast since it was the same day as an indoor marching band concert, where most of my friends were anyway.  Just being older, although technically only one day older than the day before, is significant on a birthday.  In the eyes of society I might as well be a new kind of person depending on the age.  I mean, look at my 18th birthday!  I was an adult just like that.
Y'know, Senior year was actually pretty good, looking back.  Being a Freshman again is sometimes... frustrating.

Well, I'm in the mood for MORE minecraft now.  Ok.
yup.
cool.
right.
seeyoubye!

No reason

     I think I'll stick to BYU for now.  I talked it over with folks and if I move too close to home I might just be trying to live a past life, and while I still miss plenty of people there, it's time to move right along and admit I need to start making a life here that I might then possibly take back with me to the midwest.  Probably for sure maybe.  It's an open line of thought.
     Halloween happened.  It was alright.  Stuff happened, nothing particularly relevant to anything.    My birthdays on Sunday, my counseling starts tomorrow.
     Oh, life.  You certainly are a bucket of squirrels.   Hmm, that metaphor made more sense in my head than typed out.  Ah well, interpret it how you will.
      I suppose with Halloween over that thanksgiving is next.  Me and my brothers out here are assuming we're going to be invited to our Grandma's house.  That should be excellent!  She's a spectacular cook.  Then comes Christmas.  Then Valentines day.  I don't think this upcoming V-day will have any significance to me.  But who knows?  Fortune can be arbitrarily kind sometimes.
       Sometimes life's like country music.  It's all the same and is pretty lame for the most part.  But that's just brain chemicals talking.

So go have yourself a wonderful day.

Decisions Decisions

      I double checked.  BYU actually offers a broadcast journalism major under communications.  I checked the classes and it fits what I'm looking for in quite a smooth way.  So  I can quite easily stay here just fine and try for the job I want.
   I can stay at BYU...
Shouldn't I be more excited about this? ...
(sigh)
        My experience here hasn't been what I thought it'd be.  Not ideally, for sure.  I'm no stranger to broken expectations, but that doesn't make it any more fun to have to face them again.  I mean I haven't exactly made any "close" friends.  No one's really clicked at all.  Plus wasn't I supposed to be having some kind of mega spiritual time here?  I mean I'm still faithful and all that, but frankly I haven't felt any real change from how I was to how I am now.  Except depressed more often.  That's happened.
       Admittedly, I feel obligated to stay at BYU for a few reasons.  One thing is the price.  I would be hard pressed to find a tuition this cheap for a school this well renowned (and I'm not exactly scholarship material).  Plus, pretty much my entire family has gone here.  Not to mention I gave quite a bit up to come here.  Like everything and everyone (to some degree) back at home.
(sigh)
       Well, I certainly feel that I should stay here until my mission.  Maybe I'll figure something out then.
Maybe.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

Choices Choices

      So I've looked over the major choices that I looked at and frankly they just aren't clicking like I'd like.  So I did some blending of the things I like.  Video editing and being in front of cameras as well as just being in smaller groups...  Of course!
News Anchor!
       In high school I was our small TV stations weatherman, and let me tell you, it was fun times.  I loved to put together the backgrounds and then deliver it to our school population.  Also, because our news team wasn't perfect, I had to fill in for the anchors as well.  That was also enjoyable, although I did prefer the improvisation that the came with being the weatherman.  However, in the career field, usually being a weatherman requires a degree in meteorology which requires more math than I am comfortable with, so anchoring is more preferable on an education standpoint overall.  Plus who knows, if I get the job maybe I'll get to run one of those morning shows that looks so fun, which also have more improv I believe.
         I think the ideal major for this is either a broadcasting major or a communications audio/visual major.
One problem:  Neither is offered at BYU...
         So, I'm staying at BYU until my mission to get GEs... and then I'm looking at different schools.
Perhaps goodbye BYU?  It's not the easiest decision, but to be honest it's not the hardest either.  I enjoy being in a college environment without many of the college stereotypes of getting wasted and laid (Woo Mormons!) but I'll be honest that I've had trouble fitting in regardless.  If I choose a school closer to my ancestral home of Wisconsin, there's a good chance some of my old high school friends will be with me again, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't appeal to me.  I know that I'd be back to being one of few Mormons there, but if I let that get in the way of a fun career, then I'm a fool.
        If anyone has any suggestions on schools with these majors (I know it's a long shot) than you could... comment?  Maybe?  Please?  I'll make you cookies sometime if you do...  Once I get access to an oven that is.

Oh I did have my first date in many many months yesterday, it was enjoyable.

Academic Musings

     So I did something.  I've withdrawn my intent to apply to my media arts major.  I don't think I'll re-submit it either.  Film editing is fun and all, but the program here at BYU is not what I'm looking for (it's more for people who want to be film critics and directors, neither of which really appeal to me) and frankly other film schools freak me the heck out (much drinking and making more people... uggghhhh).  So film is bye bye for now.  I'll still edit in my spare time I imagine and I probably will continue to want to improve my vlog.  So now I'm open major.  Hmmmm....
      Ok, so I've given it some more thought than I'm letting on.  I've even looked through the majors offered and two of them have caught my eye.  So here's the pro/cons of both!!!
ZEE MAJORS!:

Acting

PROS:  
+ I've always liked acting, film or stage
+ I've got a decent amount of experience in acting in front of people
+ I have found that many cute girls frequent the acting department (BUT I WON'T LET THAT SWAY MY DECISION IN ANY WAY ACTUALLY!)  (actually forget this point was brought up)

CONS:
+ Money is not an easy thing to get with an acting degree, unless you teach, but I don't want to teach.
+ Actors can be frightening people sometimes.  I think I can honestly say that.

Sound Recording Technology

(note: this is half a music major, many music classes)

PROS:

+ More money is probable and more steady with this than with acting

+ Music is a passion of mine, but not an extreme forte (I'm good, but not spectacular to put it self-consciously) so this would involve me in a music dept. that requires external skills.

+ Sound editing (which I assume is involved) is almost as fun as video editing.

+ I've got a bit of a divine tip that I should be involved in music to some degree

CONS:

+ It's not acting.  I LIKE acting

+ I have a little less previous experience in this department (the technology one)

+ There's piano classes.  I'm not a very gifted piano player.

So those are the my prime choices.  They're subject to change obviously, but I like them both.  Got input?  Comment and tell me!  I'd be happy for any advices!

Garbage, thy name is Khail

       I don't really know what I think in term of my own philosophy any more.  I want to be an individual and be accepting overall, but somethings just plain annoy me.
       I've got a couple edges pushing on me for this.  My own depression (2 weeks til therapy, good thing.), my religious background (I am faithful and plan to be forever), an atheistic older brother who I'm pretty close to (he's a little less abrasive than he used to be, so that's actually alright).
       So I'd say I'm mostly accepting of what people choose to do, but I honestly get slightly upset when I find that friends are drinking, smoking, looking at porn.  Sure, they seem to be happy with what they're doing, and that should be good enough for me, but they're making, in what is my opinion, really stupid decisions.
Ahghlbrbl
        Where the frick am I going with this?  I thought I was having a good day earlier.  What happened?  When will this fricking roller coaster of my life even out?  When will I get to do all the fun crazy college things I should be trying (and I mean fun, not drunk, obviously).  I don't even care right now if I look like the "typical freshman" right now.  If that's the price of enjoying myself a LITTLE than heck it's worth it.  Ugh.  I can't even think straight, focus on anything, motivate myself to do anything.  I get mad over stupid things, think the world's attacking me, and the worst thing is that I'm totally aware of all that.
         I look back at the things I say/do when I was in a low funk and I realize how irrational I sound or how pathetic I look (I'll probably look back at this very blog post someday and think something similar). I just don't really like me.  Not always.  Not right now certainly.  Good thing I work tonight, that usually lifts my spirits a little.
      It's so sudden too!  Before my second class today I was diving into my third brass choir, which I had high aspirations for.  After class I just ate, hung with Daniel for a bit, and suddenly BLAM I hate things.
       Mmm, no that's not accurate.  I don't really hate.  Never actually acquired the skill.  I still see beauty in things when I'm sliding.  I just feel... sad.  There, I said it.  I dislike sounding so weak, but yes. I'm sad.  Ok?  Emotions... blagh, what a mistake.

AFTER WORK:  Ahh, work does make me feel better... phew!

My grain

Your grain is oats.
His grain is wheat.
Her grain is barley.
Their grain is corn.
Migraine is PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and rice)

oops

I mixed it up, I have a date NEXT weekend, not this one.
oops.
I sort of cut a class today, it wasn't a very important one.
oops.
I knocked my headphones against something and now they don't really work anymore.
oops.
I caught myself making another self-absorbed blog post.
oops.
I was going to go to the video editing bay, but chickened out once I saw people were there and that my headphones don't work.
oops.

Silly Khail.
oops.

Well well well

    Huh... I already get to play Minecraft.  In other words, and more importantly, I have a date on Friday.  My first date in... geeze, forever!!
...
Maybe I'm NOT a failure, she seems happy to go with me (not a pity date is what I mean).
The date idea is really cool, too.  It's a mystery dinner date night where everyone gets a persona assigned and one person is a thief!  It sounds awesome!!

I suspect that after this first date (it's a just friends thing I believe) I will be a lot more willing to go on more social excursions with more people which could be exactly what I need!

I am the happy!

Tis better to have...

     I have this little ultimatum I've given myself.  I am not allowed to play minecraft until I get a date.  There's an event this Friday that I'd really like to take someone to.  The only problem is that it's this Friday and I am me.  I'm not feeling very optimistic about it currently, though I'm not in a very good mood right now to begin with, so maybe when I cheer up later.
      Another problem is that I don't really have anyone in mind.  My hopeless romantic self has been so dead since I came to college, besides the occasional "Oh she's cute" phenomena.  It's like I don't even know me anymore.
       Still, cutting down on Minecraft will probably be for the best, as it's been my drug of choice lately, so this will help me get a better hold on my homework I think.  Maybe.  Doubtful.
meh

...murrrrgh, my counseling needs to start soon.  It's not til early November...

Aw C'MON!!!!

          Seriously Fate?!?!  You're a prick, Fate!  In all honesty, you are the most unfeelingly cruel woman (yes, in myth Fate is a woman, rather Fates, there was more than one) ever to be around.  Tossing coins into the air with people's happiness all depending on how they fall to the ground and then not even caring to look at them once they've fallen.
          Fate, you're a whore!  I swear, maybe you do watch people's lives and have calculated perfectly when someone is happy enough to have something obnoxious happen to them!
         Eff you Fate!  Is this a personal vendetta?  What have I done to you before now?!  You orchestrate the most perfect ways to ruin my high times!  You burn the fricking bridges back to them!  You pulverize and desecrate the grounds on which joy is even possible, after gardening them yourself!  What in the name of everything is wrong with you, Fate?
        Die in a hole Fate!  We don't need you!  The world would continue just fine without your skillfully choreographed plans for suffering!  We don't need you, we don't want you, we revile you, Fate!

No, I don't believe there is some woman named Fate (if there was, I'd throttle her anyway).  Stuff just happens sometimes.  It seems so odd though, however, that I'll finally have a couple truly great days and then they will crash around my ears in a few choice events.  It was so perfectly set off that it almost seems planned.

,jdsafljkhasfhkfhflasiuhflkdjbvjshbvl j3;oruioeuryt9384turlisajfvjhv.k vuhfsdjlkbjshg djfkjbvkjshgflsdkjflifesawhoreljhdflksajhflih nfmmalfkjbdkjhvlmichhfbdvulhifuiruhgldfvjbvmxncbv,lkjhvixycviupociuwoehrqlj;ksd;vkzdnvkjnfhfhfhfpiduhlxckjvbz,jfsahflishflgoawaydfhaslkjb

Ok, I feel marginally better now.

Not bad at all

       I've been doing some thinking lately.  And that's it!  I used to love to just ponder and philosophize about things.  Then came what I'm beginning to call the dark period (until I think of a cooler word than period) which is when my depression at college exploded into me just being a drudge and an antisocial gamer.  I'm still a bit anti-social, but I've been feeling better about things probably because I decided to clean up my life with setting a therapy appointment and a daily schedule among other things.  I'm going to try to meet new people as well.
      Out of all this clean uppery is indeed that I'm philosophizing with myself again (I sometimes bounce these little philosophies off of my brother, Dave, but usually I can really only talk them through with myself).  One thing I considered is energy.  Who wouldn't love an infinite energy source?  It's a secret dream that scientists like to play around with.  It occurred to me, however, that there'd be no point to an infinite source if the amount that could be taken at once was minuscule.  We would need an infinite source as well as an infinite (or just really large) quick access to the energy.  That's the problem with wind and solar power.  Although they aren't technically "infinite" they are a good source of energy that we can assume won't go anywhere for awhile.  The problem is quick access.  It takes a lot of sun soaking and a good deal of rotations of a windmill to get enough energy to do anything useful.
I guess it's probably not an original thought, but to me it is.  I like to figure things out for myself (usually, not math in general though).
So that's good.

Wow... my cologne smells so good I could just eat my wrist!

There and back.... once more

I'm proud of me.  I'm seeking therapy.  I had a talk with a few friends and they all said I should probably go for it, and now I am.
I think the main reason I didn't do this earlier is because I used to think it made me look weak.  Well, I don't know if it does, but what I'm doing is taking something that's already a weakness of mine and confronting it.  I did the same thing with my old fear of heights, and now I want to go skydiving badly!  I used to have no taste for spicy food at all, but I decided to keep trying it and now I love tabasco on things.
This is a good thing.

Happenings

      I just feel like talking about what's going on in life lately.  A "I'm lazy so I'll just do a long Facebook post" blog post.  If you don't like that then... umm... ok.  Sorry.  But not really.
So today and yesterday was General Conference.  This is a Mormon event when the leaders of the church basically give little talks/counsel on religious things.  It's very inspirational, even though I was watching online and occasionally missed a bit because I had to refresh.  For some reason loneliness seemed to be the theme of the first Saturday session.  Dang, are they talking to me specifically or something?  It's been known to happen, they're pretty inspired people.  I love my church.
         On the topic of religiosity I was skyping me friend Emily and she told me about a Ouija board experience they had.  It was creepy!  I've never really wanted to do Ouija myself because I do believe in spirits and stuff (why can't a past life wander the Earth before judgement day?) also it has some sort of occult references I think and I am freaked way out by that.  I hold the Priesthood for crying out loud!  I shouldn't get into dark things like that!
         Also in the skype deal it was pointed out that this blog has been really depressing lately.  Has it?  Sorry folks, I hate to worry you all, but I can't actually give you a lot of positive news on that front.  I'm having problems with things in me.  It's genetic or whatever.  (No one is allowed to say suicide, however, I decided a looooong time ago that that is not an option.  Chill)
          Actually I think I've figured out some of the root causes.  It's how I came to college (not college itself).  Before I left I was dumped and frankly was pretty hurt.  (That just happens, there was no one wrong in the situation I think.)  Maybe people noticed and maybe they didn't, but I did become withdrawn for about the rest of the school year.  Then poof, off to college still kinda withdrawn a bit (not only from the breakup, but my own genetics helped.)  So I spent the first bit in my dorm while everyone else made friends.  Then they had friends.  And I did not.  (Fortunately Aaron and Daniel did swoop in and save me a lot of later doldrum.  They're champs.)  Now I'm shy, which I guess I wasn't so much in high school, and I don't like that very much.  Not at all honestly-
waitasecond



DANG IT!

I was trying NOT to make this a whining post!  How did this happen!!
ok ok...
Sunshine!
Bunnies!
Balloons!
Steak!
Jesus!
Love-wait, no not love...
Kite Flying!
Ballroom Dancing!
Rock Climbing!
(phew)

       OK I feel better (that and Matisyahu helped).  I have good days, I swear!  It's just that when I have bad ones I like to write about it in this blog to get it out a bit (just a bit).  I don't know if that means I shouldn't take it seriously, but do know that I do have good days!  Plenty of them!

Side effects may include

I never realized this until now!  Depression (which sucks through and through) can have a positive side effect!
Let's say your deep in a depressed funk, because that happens, and you are trying to do something you're not very good at.  Like a homework assignment in a class you are struggling with.
So your trying this and that and getting mad at yourself because that's what happens to depressed people do, when all of a sudden
EUREKA
You've not only suddenly understood what you were doing wrong the whole time, but you now know how to do it right!  Not only that, but it turns out that it was hard for everybody and you were one of the FIRST to get it right.
Your mood soars from a -4 or -5 to a high 8 or 9.

THE EFFECT IS ALMOST THE SAME AS HEROIN, BUT WITHOUT THE BAD PARTS OF HEROIN.
Now if this was figured out by a not-depressed person, they would probably say, "oh good I got it."  However, by a sad sack (I can refer to it like that because I'm one of them.  So there) it's more like "Oh good I got it, perhaps I'm not a failure!  Oh my, the sky is so blue today!  The birds are singing!" The effect is doubled because they not only get high on life, but they come from lower down.
Woot.
(But I'd still rather not have depression)

Randomness #8

It's been forever since I did an installment of Randomness!  Heck, my first one was almost an entire year ago!  Is this blog really that old?  Go figure.  A lot has happened in a year.  Eh, whatever, let's get to the random stuffz.

Snoring is evil.  Seriously, it's one bodies way of secretly trying to destroy the world one sleep deprived roommate at a time.  It's gonna get us!

Word of the day is Portend: To foreshadow.  Your slight interest in that portends that you will continue reading.  Unless you're a jerk who likes to feel smugly superior by deliberately not reading on just to prove me wrong.  Only you will know.

We were filmed in ballroom dance.  I didn't have a partner until the last minute, and it was someone I never practiced with before... it did not go very well.  However,  I still think I'm doing pretty well in that class.

Asiago bagels here are not very good.  Taste kind of like cheesy earwax >:P .

Pizza bagels here are amazing!  I would eat them everyday except that I wouldn't.  Cuz then they would get gross.

Let's cook an egg on the pavement, but not eat it.  Because that would be gross.  Because of the sediment.  F#!@ THAT S%#@!  Look how hilarious I can be.

Dry British humor is the best around.  I believe this because you have to have a quick wit to catch half of it.  You also have to have a decent intelligence (usually) to get some of it.  That way you're actually expanding your mind when you watch British shows.  Like Doctor Who.  It makes me smart.

I make some pretty dang freakin' good snickerdoodles.  They are much better than your grandma's.

Programming in Java comes very easily to some people.  I am not one of those people.  I think I MIGHT have basic HTML down.  Clearly being a web designer is out of the question for me.  That was never really in my consideration, though.

Boy, there's a lot of sex jokes on the internet.  It's almost as if people laugh at them.  Oh, but they do.  How crass.

Now poop.  Poop is refined humor.

I have probably proposed to more men then women.  Obviously this was done in jest, and I'm probably not bisexual.  ...  Hmm...  Well...  No, I'm not bisexual.  I've liked only women in any beyond-a-friend way.

Scratch that, I don't like anyone, you're all scum and love is dead.  (Imagine that said in a serious deadpan voice.)

Ooooooook, maybe you're not scum.  No, you're probably nice people.  I like you guys.  (Still deadpan.)

I wonder if there's more shy people in the world than outgoing ones.  We'd never be able to get a very accurate count of them, cuz they're shy.  I can say that cuz I'm shy.  In public anyways, on my blog I'll tell you anything, right down to a rash on me bum.

No rash, btw.

Well, that was fun wasn't it?  I'm glad you think so.  You really enjoyed it?  What the heck is wrong with you?  It's just some guy writing whatever pops into his addled mind.  You people are weird.
Oh alright...
Love you all!
[insert hug-that-makes-it-all-better here]

Liar

          If you met me in person, you would wonder who the heck writes this blog.
     Is this seriously the guy who writes all those depressing posts and occasionally some scattered deeper thoughts?  Well, I doubt it, he seems like a pretty happy guy!  Heck, he even seems friendly.
...
Well, you're right, I tend to be happier and more friendly when I'm talkin' to folks.  In public in general I usually am in a decent mood (key word is usually, mind you).  Also, if I am in one of my low down funks, like I was all fricking weekend, I'm excellent at faking a better mood.  Those acting classes paid off!
Understand that when I'm writing in my blog I'm alone.  It's when I'm alone that the demons are let loose on my conscious mind.  If you ever read my post about having Seasonal Affective Disorder (winter blues) I've come to realize that that wasn't right.  I've got year round depression.  Yipee.  However, I also have a strong rationalization mindset which means I can't hold onto a bad mood indefinitely.  Also, like I said, if I'm with people it's a lot easier to be happy.
So don't worry good folks!  If you choose to befriend me, you aren't in for a friendship of mopeyness!  The only person my depression generally affects is me.

And here's a song and video that always always get to me.
It kinda echoes my own conviction not to use meds.

FWHAT????

I was reading the Wikipedia article on loneliness out of curiosity and I read this:
At least one study has  correlated it with an increased risk of cancer, especially for those who hide their loneliness from the outside world, and it is also associated with increased risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease.
Ok, I can understand cardiovascular disease.  Being lonely a lot can be stressful!  I guess that can go for strokes too.
But cancer?  Aw man, being lonely a lot can cause CANCER?
I'm gonna die of cancer?!?!
Well, I'd need more data and less friends for that to happen I hink, but it's still rather shocking.

Well THAT was scary!

     Yesterday in the middle of ballroom dance class I was very suddenly struck with immense pain in my abdomen.  I've had some pretty bad stomach problems in the past, and those hurt for sure, but nothing like this!  I had to sit out of the rest of class, and upon returning to my dorm and trying to just lay down and hope it went away I concluded that this was no small thing and that I should probably get help.  Fortunately I had the sense of mind to call my mother to see whether I oughta call an ambulance (I was considering it because seriously I was ouch!)  She instead had me get my brother Dave to pick me up and take me to the clinic.
         After sucking blood and urine out of me, the doctor said a lot of scary words such as gall bladder disease, appendicitis, kidney stones and more.  They gave me some pretty heavy painkiller after this (non drowsy, surprisingly) and i went to spend the night with my brother (so I could get a speedy ride to ER if need be, which I didn't).
        Fortunately, the pain stopped and today I feel right as rain, though I did go in for an ultrasound today (who knew it was for more than just pregnant women).  It's definitely not kidney stones, but we won't write me off as entirely fit until we get the ultrasound results back.  If it's NOT one of my organs, then the doctor suggested that it was just a randomly severe case of gastric distress.
         Phew!  Crisis averted! (most likely)

Water water water!

Man, water's lucky!  It gets two hydrogens for every oxygen!

         In all seriousness I was thinking about water in a deep way today.  Just now really.  In a world of complicated relationships, man's relationship with water is one of the oddest.
         Before I start that I might as well talk about what I think about water in general.  First of all, it's one of the most destructive forces on the earth.  Whether it's slowly making it's way to make something like the grand canyon or being pushed by an earthquake to make a tsunami.  Earthquake=bad.  Tsunami=Usually worse.  In fact water is such a big part of Earth that ancient Greek scientists (called natural philosophers at the time) either put it as either one of the four elements (Avatar!) or as simply the base element of everything.  It's some pretty big stuff!
        As far as our relationship goes, it's definitely a weird one.  Our bodies are 70+% water.  We're essentially mobile and intelligent bags of mostly H2O!  If this percent sinks just a bit due to dehydration we wouldn't last the week.  So clearly, we should love water.  It keeps us not dead!
...
        On the other hand, when water comes to us for FREE from the SKY then a lot of us get grumpy and do things to keep that goshdarn water from touching us.  We don't want you water!  Only when we command it do we want you, water!!!
        And then there's the dark side of water.  Although it's good to be in us, there are parts of our body that would be pleased as punch to stay pretty much water free.  Namely the lungs is in this category.
We go swim in water (wetness is another thing we want on demand I guess) and then for some reason get pulled under by something or other we are in trouble.  Water refuses to be our friend and if we let it in our lungs.  It gets us very dead.
        Also showering? Bathing? Water fights? Chinese water torture?  It's so comprehensive!
Water is our lifeblood, our entertainment, our hygiene, our irritation, our murderer, and sometimes a source of extreme destruction.
Well well well...

(hey, you get water out of a well!)

Just what DO I want?

Am I unique in this?

Man I'm getting to dread Friday nights...
        Every time I walk through campus on a friday evening there are so many people with one thing in common.  They're with somebody.  I don't mean in a couple sense (though there's plenty of those too) but just with SOMEBODY... whether its a friend or work partner I don't know.
       I guess I'm just a bit lonely.
This isn't fair to the friends I do have here.  I'm not a friendless bastard, but I can't say I have a high number and they, well, have other things to do lots of the time.  I surely can't blame them.  Also I don't think it's that I'm repulsive... just shy which makes making new friends sorta difficult.
         Heh, I sound pathetic don't I.

As for dating, well I'm kinda just praying for freak chance in that department.
grrrrrr

WOOOOO

The Minecraft 1.8 update is out!!!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Oh man, say goodbye to the sun from nerdy Khail!  YES!

Cool breeze

        I love a cool breeze!   But this is a metaphorical breeze.  It's just a feeling of calm that I feel right now.  Very enjoyable.
       So something pretty cool happened yesterday.  It regarded my tap dance class.  You see, for the first couple weeks I was ready to write myself off as too hopelessly uncoordinated to be any good at tap dancing, I was floundering pretty badly.  I was especially worried about yesterday because I hadn't gotten a practice in that I meant to on Saturday.  I figured I would probably crash and burn.

But I didn't!

       Don't get me wrong, I'm not top of the class or anything, but I kept up way better than I thought I would.  I even managed to loosen up my arms a bit (that's a good thing to be able to do if you tap).
       Also, today marks the second time that I've done very well in my ballroom class, not to mention I wasn't the dude left out because there was one more guy than girl (ugh, they should moderate so that doesn't happer).  This is a good thing.

Y'know, I've really been enjoying these two classes...  And today I was considering, just maybe, that I might want to minor in dance...
       I realize I don't have the same advantages as the folks who've had dance classes since they were 4, but I'm catching on pretty well, and I have had experience from a few classes as well as plenty of musical theatre.  Plus, with a minor in ance, I can teach ballroom dance.  This could be a good social output in the future if I do get a career in video editing, which is a bit more lonely (though in truth I like working alone, so it's no big deal).  Balance is nice.

Dancing is fun. (I would just like to say that I didn't get into dancing because of the girls.  Believe me, that's a perk, but not an initiative.)

10 years ago...

          At the exact moment that they fell... well I was at school most certainly...  third grade it would have been.  Probably happened during recess.
         We all came in from it and began our normal lessons.  The janitor, who was everybody's favorite person in the school, walked in and simply said something along the lines of "The Twin Towers fell".
         I didn't get it at first (I was pretty young) but I do know that the rest of the day I saw the same scene on televisions all throughout the school.  Being only 8, I just couldn't comprehend that 3000-5000 people had just died.  Not from accident either, but from people.  People who put their own lives up to kill others.
        After a long day at school where very little was learned, I got home to my mom watching that scene again.  She was crying.  For some reason, that's when it really hit me too.
        That night, we left the news on all the time.  I saw the big flashing words of "America at War".  I saw fires on the TV where we had been bombing (it took me a long time to realize why).  I remember my little brothers didn't have a clue what was going on.  I sort of envy them for that.
...
...
Throughout history, worse events have happened.  In my history, though, this probably tops any other...

Cast list

Name	Age	Status
Khail	18	Not givin' up yet!
Mack	Unknown	A failed experiment
Brine	16	A lamp
Daniel	18	The hipster Asian! (but don't tell him)
Aaron	19	Missionary man!
Trocker	16	Well that didn't work...
Spirit	17?	Going on three/four months with no talking!

If you want to be on this list, just ask :)

grumble ... (i hate depression) .... grumble
UPDATE ON WEDNESDAY:
...(still hate it)... grumble

La belle demoiselle

              Hmm...  Now here's something curious:  For the first time in about 6 or 5 months I saw a female who I found, well, attractive.
             It's not that in all that time I've never seen someone who I thought pretty, but it was just that.  A run of the mill "oh, she's cute" then never think of her again sort of thing.  Not the case this time.
          Well, I don't know her name, but I've seen her a couple times on campus and for some reason I've thought of her a lot.  I'm fairly certain she's a freshman like me, cuz she was wearing this years freshman orientation shirt and, well, she looked like the kind of indie girl I would, y'know, get along well with.
         Now I'll be the first to say of course that this is just fantasizing.  I don't know this person, maybe we're completely incompatible and it's not unlikely that we'll never meet.  Still, a guy can dream.  I'm pretty glad I'm dreaming again, 'cuz it's been ridiculous how long it's taken for that to kick back into action.  I mean, I haven't really dated at all or anything in, well, 5-6 months.  Can't say I'm the most social creature, but I do like dating.  Quite a lot really.
          So I'll tell you if I meet with success in any exploits or anything because if you still read this blog it means that you must be interested in that sort of thing.

Heheh

Well I was wrong in my last post...
She's not considering giving up on life.  Just her boyfriend.
...
oops.
In her blog it was worded so that it could've been easily taken the way I took it... in my defense...
Well, y'know it actually wasn't as bad as I make it sound because
A) I never directly confronted her
B) I don't think it's a bad thing that I'm so ready to jump into action at potential threat signs
C) I'm friendsish with her boyfriend so we were working together and he didn't mind that I was a whistle blower (and they stayed together after all.)
Sooooooooooo crisis which didn't ever exist averted I guess.  Who doesn't love a happy ending?
(Emos, that's who)

I will try to heal others

So I've realized in my recent posts I've been complaining about being lonely and the like.
...
I'm not sorry.  I am lonely and know that it's partially my fault.  And I'm also not afraid to say that by lonely I mean "girl" lonely.  I've gone the longest without either having a girlfriend or even a crush in 6 freaking years.  That's pathetic, but it's who I am I guess.  No, not I guess.  It's who I am.
        I am someone who wants to be there for someone and who has someone be there for him when he gets really low on life.  Is that wrong?  I realize it's not for everyone, but it is for me.  So there.
...
Now for some more serious things.

            Today I'm once again trying to help a friend.  It's a kind of help I've given before.  Ah frick, I'm not gonna be mysterious, I've got a friend who has hinted at suicide.  I had another friend do that, and I did the sensible thing of calling for help.  Technically I called the police, even though I knew it could have killed our friendship, but it did save this person's life I believe. (And she did forgive me).
        Now it's happening again with someone else, and I will do what I can to prevent this.  Might be tough because I'm 1250 miles from this person this time.  However, there's already some hopeful leads here.  I will not quit on others.

Gurrrrl

      I noticed a little habit I picked up.  I'm not sure if it's a good one or not, just yet.  If I'm walking to anywhere and I happen to see a female who I find attractive, I don't look twice.  I don't double take or do the passing-smile thing.  I look forward nearly immediately.  Currently, I don't know why I do this, though as usual I have a few little theories.
THEORY #1
        I am simply making sure I'm not that guy who stares in the road.  That creepy guy.  Who is obviously scoping out women, or as he puts it, "chasing tail".  I mean, even if I did look twice, that's not how my line of thought goes, but it's better safe then sorry.
THEORY #2
        I'm afraid of girls.  Especially pretty girls.
THEORY #3
        I'm afraid of love.  Not saying by looking at a girl twice will immediately throw us into la la land (that's stupid), but if I don't look again to see what she looks like, I can keep myself from even thinking of fantasizing.  Safety first!

Well, I have my first dance class in just half an hour or so, so maybe there's a change in the wind!  Woooosh!

Tolerance

        This term is looking pretty good class wise.  I've got sociology, two dance classes, Intro to film, and intro to creativity.  I like that.  I also got a job at the cafeteria here, which I need to go to in a few hours, but that's irrelevant.  Prep cooking is what I do, which beats the heck out of custodial, let me tell you (though we still clean plenty).  I'm in a good building, found some good books and can always spend time on Minecraft if I get too bored which I probably won't because I've also got a couple friends here (Daniel and Jacob, Aaron left).
        Now there's the matter of my roommate.  ... This is where I'm going to learn a lesson in tolerance you see.  Don't get me wrong, he seems like a nice enough fellah.  Doesn't snore, which is a HUGE plus.  However, he is a gamer.  I don't have any problems with gamers... But I do have a problem with subwoofers.  They're good for a little pumping dubstep rave deal, but for Nazi Zombies?  I can feel the explosions throughout my whole body!  How does he stand it??  Maybe I'm just a bit sound sensitive, but seriously?
         Ok, so loud gamin in the middle of the day, not actually all that bad, but now I'm hearing talk of movie parties in here... aw man, I hate that cuz I'm usually in bed by midnight, seems like a good time for it, and I have the sneaking suspicion that they will go past midnight.  With a subwoofer.
Well, I will adapt I guess.

I guess I'm just not a loud person in nearly every respect.

Minecraft

Yes that's right folks, I've been indoctrinated to the world of Minecraft and let me tell you it's a drug!  I love the adventure to it!  The fact that there's no way to "win" kinda makes it even better! With a game like Ocarina of time, you spend a good deal of time trying to do quests and kill bad guys and then you win and then.... what?  I mean I guess you could replay it a few times and get the secret candies or whatever are out there, but it gets dull quick.  With Minecraft ya just keep going!  You can build big cool things and show them off and such (I made a pirate ship, it's sweet) and there's ALWAYS more to explore!  I'm currently in what I'm calling the Cave of Death, cuz it's easy to get lost in, and currently poorly lit, so I've met with my fair share of zombies skeletons and creepers (if your not a minecrafter, you should know that creepers are silent monsters that run up to you and blow up, damaging whatever you were building as well as yourself).
In fact, here's a little comic I found about creepers.

It's accurate, but I can't help but feel that the little creeper guy is just so cute.

Kohle

           That word is German (?) for Coal.  There's no reason, I just like the word (in German).  Today I will be going to this mysterious place called Jump On It, which apparently has lots of things to, well, jump on.  Gong with Daniel and a few other folks, quite excited.  I also made a vlog post today, but probably won't post until tomorrow because.... because.

           So my newest thing that I've been watching is Phineas and Ferb, my brother and sister in law introduced me formally, and I must admit I love it (Ferb's my favorite).  So that's pretty cool.  Seriously, that's all I have to say on the matter, usually I get into things like that, but it's not a terribly complicated show (though there is humor that can be for both kids and adults, so that works).  Yeah.  No real musings today.  I'm pretty glad my migraine of earlier went away, thank you pills!  I better get off the computer so as not to encourage it to resurface.

Do good things!

Oh please, shut up Khail

Sometimes I kinda feel like an empty shell.  Like there's a world of things that I don't have a clue about and that I will be most definitely alone in the end.
And then sometimes I feel great!  However, I can't say this is one of those times.
My solution is a bit of tea, methinks!

I DON'T WANT TO UPDATE RIGHT NOW!  Oh and I'm not updating my comics on saturday/sunday anymore.

Fin

       Well my first term of college is really pretty much officially over, and I'm still alive and in not terrible health.  I DID IT!
       Next term will be cool too with many more classes, not to mention that I got a job at the Cannon Center as a prep cook!  Woo!!  So there is excitement in this!  Victory is mine!
       Today I move into my brother and sister's apartment for between terms, in which they will not be present cuz they're out of town.  Just me for eleven days (though me and Daniel will do a few day trips which should alleviate the boredom).  I think it'll be a great time to work on some comics and other such distractions.  Might even start to attempt to get in shape before dance class (because you need strength to dance... that's my only reason... seriously... no other intentions... none... )
        As for my comics, I broke my first art pen and if I buy a new one it means I'm officially doing this.  Weird!!!

My first experience with finals

So I have both my finals today and I think I've done some good prepping:
Studied: check
Eaten kinda healthily: Check
Getting a good nights sleep before: ...
I TRIED to, I really did!  I went to bed at the obnoxiously early hour of 11!  I had a bit of trouble drifting off at first, but at about half past I was of to sleepville.
That's when somebody decided to break the "quiet hours" with their obnoxiously loud laugh right... outside... my door...
This continued until midnight.  I was agitated (I can't sleep well in a noisy place)
I was so agitated that I honestly lay awake trying to sleep til 1.
Then I figured I might as well go pee.
...
One pee later
...
I recalled upon coming back to my door that you need a key to open a door.  And that I had no idea where my roommate was.
...
Sitting in front of my door, in my bathrobe, ruing my current existence I finally see a friend of my roommate come into the hall.  He took me to my roomie who let me into my room.
I fall asleep at maybe 2-2:30, three hours later than planned.
I wake up at 7:40 for my final, feeling utterly exhausted.
...
...
I need to have some dead puppy pancakes with dead kitten syrup served to me in a skull of a man who suffered a violent death.

LATER NOTE:  I think I did alright on my music final, so I'll spare the kittens, but I did poorly on my psych final so I shall turn my blender on liquify for the rest of my demonic meal

Dumb cloud

You ruined the perfect blue sky, little single cloud!

Also, I got Rickrolled today, how retro is that?

another one of those "explanations"

         I don't think love is a disease or drug to be honest.  I've just had a few friends who have had bad luck with it recently, so I did what I could to help.  It also brought up some of my failings and I wrote a blog post about it again.  So if you liked it, then that's great, and if you didn't, then I apologize.
         So I've been considering dreams again because I had a few more vivid ones last night (they were vivid at the time, but now they're pretty unclear.  Stupid faulty dream memory).  All I remember is that they were both very good, but in different ways.  One was future good, in that it involved my playing the game Zelda :Windwaker, which is on my "once I get money I'll buy this" list.  The other was past good, in that it was "these are memories I never want to lose, but won't be repeated ever again most likely".  The future good one I have no qualms with because it's a realistic dream that will probably be realized sometime in the near future.
            Now the past good dream...  I almost wonder if I would've rather not had it.  The reasoning is a weak-willed one and that's that the past won't happen again and I was forced to relive it.  I woke up to the dismay of finding out that it had been a dream and that I'm still here as a finding-himself kinda lonely college guy.   Was that brief interlude in my sleep worth it?  I can't say...  Would I have rather had a nightmare?  Probably not, so I guess it was better than the alternative.

A synopsis

It affects blood pressure.  In fact, certain stimuli can cause momentary flushing.  Hormones in the mind are affected and increased in some manners.  Pulse rates vary, in some cases individual heartbeats are affected and sometimes even skipped.  Nausea and anxiety are common.  Although not physically, the symptoms can be spread or even sought with prolonged exposure to another with them through a mental process.  Curiously, unpleasant side-effects can become even more severe after the stimuli are removed, showing signs of withdrawal.
Based on this evidence, romantic love is either a disease or a drug.   Curious

This is me

         I surrender again my social ability to experience.  I did almost talk to someone of opposite gender, but alas, insecurity (and Daniel a bit) met me and killed that chance.  Ah well.  I admit I was a bit more down about this yesterday, but truthfully I'm not feelin' all that bad about it right now.  Not exactly sure why, probably just this weird rationalization system.
         Sort of like how I'm trying to rationalize playing Civilization IV in Psych right now...  It's a good game and Psych is SO dull... but I really shouldn't.  I won't... hopefully.
         Actually because I don't really talk to girls here I think my friends think I'm just not that interested in them.  Not gay, just not seeking female companionship.  That's not true, I am certainly interested in girls and would like to meet a few.  In fact, this is the first time in my life (since, I don't know 7th grade?) that I've not had either a girlfriend or crush on some girl.  How sad is that?
       I should probably stop typing now, or I will get a bit down.  I'm otherwise in a good mood today.

Life on set

       I was editing in the school's lab to do a vlog post one day and I ran into a guy who was a bit older than me who was uploading film.  We got to talking and I found out he was a rather large scale independent director.  A little more talking showed he needed crew for his next film's massacre scene.  I volunteered and today I spent all day helping on the set, which is a wonderful stepping stone to someone who wants to get into media arts more.  Experience is a good thing.  Also as an added bonus, an "extra" family member (who gets killed) was missing so they had me do it.  I got to act AND work on crew!
I also got a lot of fake blood on me, it's kinda gross, but kinda cool as well.  
Is this what fame feels like?

Hello my freaky darlings

Well I've decided to start a new blog for my comics and art.  I'll put the link on this post later today if you've actually kept that up to date on my blog.  I'm thinking of calling it steppingstone because it's all the comics (that I write) that will eventually end up on MSJAR before they are released there, plus a few that I might just make for my own purposes.
The purpose for this is that I'd really like this blog to be more for my thoughts on stuff, or just when I get good and crabby and feel like venting to no one in particular.  So if you enjoy my comics and such, you should probably go to the new blog which can be reached by this link: http://capriciouscomics.blogspot.com/
Give me views!
And it's called Capricious webcomics, which is cooler than my steppingstone idea by a long shot.

I am unapologetic.

Wir sind gleich (we are equals)

So I got pretty bored and decided to skim the internet looking for bad people.  No real reason, and trust me, you don't have to look far on the interweb.  I found a very sickly society in the neo-nazi party of America.
(Very prolonged sigh)
...
     I read a bit of their stuff on the website because I don't like to pass judgement if I was uninformed, but it was a waste of my time because all my ideas were right anyhow.  The website had a big panicked looking headline that said something like "Now 4 states are more minority than white!"  Umm.... so?  They also had merchandise covered in swastikas and somewhat uninformed looking books such as "Why race matters", "Who runs the media?" (the insinuation was that the Jews do) and "Slavery and the Jews".  If they're referring to the slavery that took place in America a long time ago (terrible practice, can't believe we did that) I don't think Jews really took any more part in it than anyone else.  Probably less actually since at the time they were newer immigrants with a little less money than some.  But what can you expect from the "master-race"?  Now I am not officially an "Aryan" (I'm mostly European, true, but I've got a bit of Native American in me and no blue eyes or blond hair), so I've never been contacted by this party, but my friend Aaron, who has blond hair and blue eyes, got the offer from them to pay for his schooling.  Being a sensible person, he didn't go for it (BYU wouldn't go for it either) and the joke's on the nazis.  Aaron's part Jewish!  Do they actually go on looks alone?  Seems kinda shallow.
      One of the agendas on the neo-nazi site was an all-aryan nation.  The premise being that there are all African nations, all Asian nations, and even an all Jewish nation (good heavens!)  so why not an all Aryan nation?  Well sorry folks, but the self-proclaimed Aryans (who are the annoying ones, there are plenty of people who could pass as Aryan who just don't consider themselves that way for simple reasons) have never really needed a country of their own.  It's implausible!  Of course if making this country didn't uproot anyone else, and all the neo-nazis went to live in it, well maybe then it's not such a terrible idea.  They'd be out of our hair at least.
      I think there's one reason that the nazis slightly trouble me and that's because a number of them know how to work the system.  They aren't all crazy people with death wishes (at least not public death wishes) who like to parade swastikas through Jewish neighborhoods (though on one occasion they did win the right to do that, thank heavens they backed out.)  The website mentioned going through smaller means like school boards and city councils.  They can legally do this and go ahead and put Nazi clubs in schools.   ...  THAT'S HOW HITLER STARTED HIS BRAINWASHING!!!!  This is troubling.
       Now, if someone with racist attitudes (the website said everyone was racist, I guess I didn't realize I don't have a choice in the matter) goes out and does something terrible, such as a bombing or shooting, they get locked up forever.  Any group they affiliated with gets investigated and often restricted if it echoed the sentiments.  The damage can't be undone and it is horrible, but any future problems from that group is prevented.  If, however, a group tries to go through only legal practices like the neo nazis attempt, they have the right to free speech to spew their crap.
        Understand me here:  I do not think that this is a grave threat.  Enough people have common sense to ignore and deflect the nazi attempts and the movement probable won't expand.  I honestly don't think it will grow any time soon.  It just seems kinda odd to me that this party still exists.  Race...
       Here's what race means to me.  I'm talking strictly the physical differences, mainly skin color.  If I compare myself, a pretty white guy, to an African American gentlemen, the only thing I'm really going to think about our different tones is "Dang, he probably doesn't sunburn... lucky!"  and that's the extent I think anyone should take in a first meeting with someone of different color.
      Seriously nazis, go outside, take a deep breath, wave to your Asian neighbor, who will be apprehensive at first because you have a swastika flag, but will relax when you take it down and throw it out.  Then go learn to golf or something.  Race is just race.  You can be proud of your own if you want, but it doesn't make it better than someone else's.  It's not.