Depth: Second and Third tunnels

I returned, with my retracting ankle rope, to the place with five tunnels. This time I chose to go into the largest one in the middle. This also had blackness on the walls, but there were lots of silver patches everywhere, which was reassuring. This tunnel was a bit more confusing. I figured out that it was my present and very recent thoughts. Trocker was there, with me, but it wasn't me because I could see myself, if that makes any sense. Neither of them acknowledged my existence near them, which makes sense since they were only thoughts anyhow. I honestly don't remember very much from this tunnel, even though I'm writing very shortly after I made this little pilgrimage, but I do recall that this tunnel had floating thoughts and memories, they looked like bits of fog (fog underwater?) and if one hit me, then I immediately pictured something that had been on my mind at some point, in this case, a movie me and my little brothers had made the other day. It was gone quickly, and I don't remember being hit by any more. This tunnel was not very “deep” because it was present thought, which doesn't always stick around, especially with me, as I get distracted very often.

At this point, I used my rope to come back to the larger area with the five tunnels. This time I took the small tunnel on the bottom, which I managed to “squeeze” through. (I'd like to remind you, that in all truth, I'm simply laying down with my eyes closed, but it did seem real to me). I found a small room, and a copy of myself sitting contentedly on some seat. Unlike the thoughts in the other tunnels, this one could see me and said hello. He went on to explain that this tunnel was sort of the “help toolbar” tunnel and that he could possibly explain some things that confused me. I asked if he could go with me. He tried, but the tunnel shut when he went near it. This was because my mind was not open enough yet, he explained (I explained? This thought did look and sound like me, though a bit more calmly than I usually act). He told me that if I continued to practice I would open up more tunnels than the five here, and that there was even a tunnel to a library of my memories. Also, the tunnel on the right was a tunnel of my senses, and that I should try checking it out. Figuring it was I good idea, I left the small tunnel and reentered the zone of five tunnels...

What a curious thing is the mind.

Depth: The first tunnel

I did it.  It was spooky.  It was awesome.
             I pulled myself into a deeply meditative trance and I managed to explore my own mind.  Let me tell you about it.
          I began with how I normally self-hypnotize myself, which is totally relaxing my body and chasing away all thoughts by imagining only darkness and a single candle.  This candle is where any thoughts that I have are fed into and then burned, thus clearing my mind.  Soon, I can barely feel my body at all.  Then I float, yes it feels a lot like floating, to a door.  Upon opening this door, I find myself in a large area full of water.  I'm at the top of ten steps.  What's incredible here, is that with every step I take everything that I "see" (even though my physical eyes are closed) and "feel" (even though my physical body is just laying down) starts to become more and more real to me.
           When I reach the fifth step, I begin to enter the water, and let me tell you, it's almost freaky how real it seems.  It feels cool, but not unpleasantly so.  I continue down the steps until I reach the "floor" at this point, the water's only waist deep and I have to fall into it if I want to swim.  I do this and as the water gets deeper I can feel an almost total sense of release.  All my muscles are relaxed and I just float for a bit.
          Even if you're not interested in any self-hypnosis or "mind-searching" I recommend the process I just described for relaxation, cuz man it really works! (for me anyhow)
            Normally, if I were to only try to self-hypnotize, or even just relax, this water is about how far I go into this trance.  Maybe swim around a bit and open things that I find, but it's really just to relax.  Disclaimer: If you do ever try this and get this far, MAKE SURE that you won't have any distractions which will snap you back into your physical body, because it will quadruple your heart-rate for a few seconds and basically defeat any relaxation purposes you had.  It's that deep.
           As it is, I was not here only to release tension, but to explore my mind.  I found out how quickly when I saw a large dark hole, sloping down into who-knows-where, off to the left of the "pool".  Since it's my mind, I imagined up a rope, which would attach to my "ankle" and to an anchor at the top of the hole.  Later on, this proved to be a good idea.  The rope would stretch for however, long I want it to, and would pull myself up when I needed it to, and like this I "swam" into the hole.  The tunnel I entered was dark, but not long, and I soon came up to five more tunnels, a large one going straight, three medium sized ones on the top, left, and right of the large one, and a small one which would only barely "fit" me through.  I began with the one on the left.
       Upon entering, I began to wonder why my mind had chosen all the walls to be black so far.  I went to investigate and was surprised to find out that the black was a coating, and that underneath was silver, which is my favorite color.  Speculating, I realized the black was put there by times of depression, which dulls things I enjoy.  I was kind of down yesterday which is possibly why the entrance was all black, though that's only one theory.  Anyhow, I went down the tunnel (and it did turn more silver) and found that it branched into two more tunnels.  The two tunnels were my perceptions of the future, based upon being accepted to BYU, where I've recently applied.  The choice of "did not get accepted" was completely clogged with confusion, which looks green, twisted, and is not very malleable.  In this case, it completely blocked any entrance to that one tunnel.  The "did get accepted" tunnel had some floating confusion, but I was able to "push" past it and "see" what I thought may become of my future.  I saw, floating around, images of myself going to college, majoring in video editing, going on a two-year mission (something men do in my church when they hit 19, or shortly thereafter) and then returning, getting a degree, getting married, and after that there was nothing, because I guess I'd never thought that far.
         I did explore more, but what I do when I return will be on my next post, because this one's really getting long enough.  I would, however, like to say that it was the most interesting thing to happen, to "see" things which I know must have been created by my mind, but which surprised me anyway.  It was really quite eye-opening, so to speak.  Do I recommend it?  Well, I won't say yes or no, I don't know if everyone can even do it, or if I'm even doing everything right.  It was all experimentation, little to no instruction.  And, although it felt longer, it was all done in a little less than an hour.
             More to come my friends...

Where's my camera?

... I haven't a clue where my camera is, but seeing as I'm not actually looking for it, it's probably upstairs on my desk... and I don't actually need it right now so I guess that's really not a problem.

I constantly get sweater and sweatshirt mixed up so obviously I'm an absolute failure at life... AAAUUUUGGGHHH!!!!! (not my real opinion, but which one has the hood?  Or can they both?)

I realize I talk about dreams a lot, but I just can't let them go.  Watching the movie "Inception" didn't help, but it's now my favorite movie...  Will there someday be a technology which will actually allow us to explore the subconscious mind with such a total remembrance of the events which you could subvert? (the dieing to leave thing does seem a setback though) if so, I would like first crack at it please.  Still haven't tried the self-hypnosis thing to see if I can "have a look around" in my head.  I still say it has potential to figure things out.  I wonder who the pioneer in this subject is...

There's really not much on my mind right now... I thought there was, but I guess not...
Happy holidays then!  Spend them with someone you love!

Someday I'll wish upon a star...

And wake up where the clouds are far behind me,
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
Way above the chimney tops,
That's where you'll find me
...
This is my favorite song now...

Hey Child!

I have a baby cousin who has reached the "runner" age.  This means that he's still small and cute, and oh my word is he curious!  Plus, now he can run away from my aunt, which is kind of hilarious.

Ahh, what a beautiful thing though, for such curiosity to bloom in the little tyke.  The world is opening up to him now that he's out of the "bare essentials" stage, where his only thoughts were probably hungry, tired, or not.  Now he's starting to see what the world is, and he wants to figure it out.  So of course, the second he's set down, he takes off to see this or that, driving parental units everywhere mad, since there's a lot of breakable or dangerous things for a 1-year old (I think he's one now anyway).
If you've read my previous posts, you may have figured out the value I find in curiosity in most things (I still say don't bother with drugs and alcohol, there's one I'll just take their word for it)...  The sheer "newness" of everything, that I now take for granted.  I kind of wish I remember what it was like to discover everything... how to even use my body and why was it that the sun just keeps coming up in the morning?

But now, I'm past that, now the world, though it may not always make sense, everything has some sort of reason for happening...

Hmm, fruit by the foot... that sounds really delicious right now

Dreamin'

I love dreams usually.  I don't recall if I've mentioned that and I'm much too lazy to go check right now...  Anyhow, I firmly believe that dreams can tell you things about yourself and your life, though maybe not every night.  The subconscious mind is linked indirectly to what you do in your daily life, so why can't it throw that back in your face at night, when reality is no restriction to being blatantly told what's up?  Of course, without reality, some dreams are indeed difficult to interpret, plus the added difficulty of often forgetting dreams (so annoying). 
Here's a curious dream I vaguely recall:
Me and an unrecognizable friend of mine were looking in a large book of witchcraft (I have no idea how I knew it was full of witchcraft) and decided to make one of the potions.  It took awhile, since me and this friend didn't think to add the crucible of some sorta powder to the rest of the brew, which was essential.  However, when we did, it fizzed, turned blue and liquidy, and we had to put it into a medium sized bottle quickly...
I drank a swallow of the blue stuff, then finally looked into the book and it read that this potion was a "hallucinogen"... that's when I woke up.
Or DID I wake up!  Maybe I'm actually hallucinating right now and all this world is the dream, and my dream was true...  Darn witches!!!

In truth, I highly doubt that theory, but it was a vivid dream anyhow...

Speaking of dreams, my dream's come true, me and Trocker = Dating, couple-type people! 

I'M SO HAPPY!  Yay!

deep breath

Regarding my last post, I have considerably calmed down and heeded the wisdom of a dear friend of mine to just let loud people yell at walls and not really care about what they think at all.  You just can't argue with stupid, throw every fact at the world at them and they'll throw back some irrelevant insult.

It does make me feel better knowing that they would probably need to consult a dictionary to understand any of my posts, if they bothered to read them, and I'm not even that eloquent a speaker... teehee

A quick invective

I love being in band.  Concert band, marching band, jazz band, you name it!  Yes it can be hard, yes sometimes it can be a little tedious, but doesn't that go for all activities.

Well it seems some rather ignorant folks from my school have decided to make a hatin' group about all of my school's band program today...

why?   ...   Why?  For the love of moses, what is THE FREAKING POINT?!?!?!?
They say we take budget, no wrong, sorry guys, we pay for most of it ourselves and through fundraisers, and I've NEVER been in a coach bus for band, have you for football?  Basketball?  Anything else?  Do I complain?  NO!!!  You guys fricking earned your way to go to other competitions for your fricking sports!!!!  GOOD FRICKING JOB!  So now, you all decide that you need that clever excitement of a hate group?  Why not the band kids?  Why not say we're all fags and other things?!?!  GO AHEAD!

No don't go ahead... I'm sorry. 
...
If I've offended anyone by being in band and enjoying being in band.  I apologize...
...
What else can I do?  I can't do your sports, I've tried, I've failed, can't I do what I want to do, and not have people just stepping on it?
...
I don't mind you doing what you like, I think it's great to follow your passion for things. go for it, I won't say a thing...
...
Can I have that same luxury?
...
Is that too much to ask?
...

Randomness #4

How many "randomness" posts am I going to do?  Well, it would beat the purpose of randomness if I decidided on a number beforehand, now wouldn't it!  How often will I do "randomness" posts?  See previous answer.  If you don't like them, well then bummer!

I've got a date with Trocker on Saturday!
I've got a date with Trocker on Saturday!
I've got a date with Trocker on Saturday!
I've got a date with Trocker on Saturday!

Oh, whenever I repeat myself like that, in my mind I am not just repeating it blandly.  I am singing it, which makes a bit more sense.  So if you'd like, you can put it to any fitting tune, and it may clear things up.  Like allergy spray does!!

Dr. Who.  Good show.  Need to catch up a lot on it though I'm afraid, yes indeed.  Netflix? Maybe?

Oh my gosh, he's wearing a fez!!!  You'll notice i didn't use the phrase "Oh my God"... can't say I like that phrase at all.  I'm a religious guy y'see and using God in such a flippant phrase seems a bit... not blasphemous, that's too strong... oh I don't know, tacky maybe?
Likewise, I detest swearing in nearly all cases, it's just a bit cliche, and frankly I guess I'm old fashioned when it comes to vulgarity.  Ok, that's my rant for this post *insert smiley emoticon here*

I could go for a root beer float... or maybe some dark chocolate.  I get random cravings for random foods sometimes (though it's very often Mac 'n Cheese mmm), there's a theory that I must be pregnant (???)... umm, last time I checked, men don't get that way....  I hope...

I've taken to listening to Pandora radio sometimes, usually while doing homework (Chemistry's getting better now!) and in most cases, Pandora plays music I like!  But how come I got a song from the Curious George Songbook when I was listening to the Muse station?  And the other day, the same station kept playing depressing piano music (which I do have some taste for, but it was nearly every other song!!!  That's no good!)

I had a friend who said it was her dream to climb a giraffe's neck and ride on it's head... In most situations I encourage people to follow their dreams, and this is one of the situations.

PWITCHOW! Let's go make some toast!!! Yeah!

Cookies

Yes cookies, I ate too many cookies yesterday... isn't that just utterly fascinating? 
hmm, it's hard to convey sarcasm in writing, which is bad because I use it quite a bit, in a hopefully non-hurtful way.  I don't like hurting people.

          We got the most snow (on friday/saturday, yes it snowed all day) here that I've seen for as long as I've lived here, and that has been since I was five. It... was... ridiculous....  Church got canceled, schools two hours delayed (which is why I'm writing right now :) ) But now I'm in a sort of winter wonderland-like place thing...

Gosh dang it, I was going to write about something cool and exciting and now it's escaped me as to what it is...  shoot!  Umm...  Ok, guys, bear with me for a moment, I need to think
...
...
...
(think)
...
...
...
Nope fresh out...  Man, my eyes are watery, not cuz I'm emotionally invested in anything, but because I just swallowed a spoonful of tabasco sauce.
This is not because I have masochistic qualities mind you, but rather because a spoonful of the hot stuff actually treats the symptoms of a sore throat!  No joke!  You swallow it down, suffer and cry for about five minutes, and then your throat is golden for 6-10 hours!  It's incredible!  Though it's best for a raw feeling throat, if it's just all gunked up, use lemon juice...

Yeah that's about the limit of my interestingness right now.

So lets all go fly a kite! I don't care what the weather's like!

Oh most amazingness

I'm in a good mood today!!  At first I didn't know hwy since it's just like any ordinary Thursday (though I quite like thursdays) ... woah!  I just realized that when I blog, I think the words I'm writing in a British accent!  That's totally weird... (I'm from the USA in case you were too lazy to check my profile, though I don't blame I suppose)...

RIGHT!  Thursday!  A Good Thursday!
Well, I found out today that our class chose it's class motto as "Veni, Vidi, Vici" which excited me because I'm the guy who randomly submitted that one!  (Had my class known it was me, I frankly doubt it would've won, the price of my nerdiness, hee hee) And it turns out I'm something of a hero in my Broadcast Communications class for my video editing know-how! (I'm slightly a nerd, did I mention that?)  So it just occurred to me that this class is pretty much going to be a breeze,  and I like a good breeze after Chemistry, which isn't so breeze like... (I surrender the prementioned nerdiness due to my lack of mathematical prowess)...


I'm seriously considering a major in video editing...  I know I was planning one in broadcasting with more of a ...  Ok, I confess, when I said considering, a whole awesome idea came to me...  It just came together!

MY NEW, MADE UP ON THE SPOT PLAN

A.) Major in video editing, get a good job there, yadda yadda yadda
B.) Get a good job there, yadda yadda yadda (hoping for something in movies as opposed to normal television)
C. ) with this more advanced editing know-how, I can have money to get good equipment, put my editing and acting skills together (I like acting, did I mention) and become that Youtube sensation I've always (well, not always, but recently) dreamed of being!!  Some of those guys even get paid!!!!  This is incredible...

I'm psyched now!  Can I take college classes yet?  Not just yet though, I'm still looking forward to spending a good deal of time with my... Girlfriend? ... Well, not yet, but very soon, Trocker!  Yes that's right!

And now I'm gonna dance...

Here we go

Hey, this is my thirtieth post!  Good gravy, have I actually written that much?  And this is from a guy who usually fails at essays or any other project involving a lot of writing.

Augh! I'm using a netbook, and the keyboard is just small enough to confuse my fingers, so this is taking a bit longer until I adjust, maybe if I type something repetitively...
so, what's a cardigan?  So, what's a cardigan?  So what's a cardig-  Aha! I've adjusted now (and I only learned what a cardigan was this last month, but at least now i know)

In fact I'm horribly behind on most things "girl" mainly because I've grown up with 5 brothers...  ohhhh man
And I'm just about in the middle, I've got three older, and two younger, which is kinda odd, but now I'm basically the oldest in my house, so it's kinda nice. 
But right, girls.  I don't think its so much that I don't understand them, because no man truly does, as that I'm just underexposed to what they are really like!  All I've known (besides my mother, which really doesn't count) is what they are like at school when they are at least giving minute attempts at fitting in, or hiding bits of themself, which is what most people do at school. 
Ok yes, I do have several female friends whom I've spent time with, but I still can't help feel I'm behind my friends who have sisters and such, I doubt I'm alone in this, but it just baffles me a bit.

          That hardly went anywhere, didn't it?  Well then I'll just say happy holidays, don't over commercialize christmas! It's about other things then presents too y'know!  (party it up on new years though, that's what its for, just don't get drunk)

Huhhhhhhhhhhh

I'm waaaaaaaaaaay too tired to be posting right now...  I went and played some band thing and then partied a bit in the band area...

Yeah, that was really fun actually, but now I'm tired... but you already know that

Trocker is full of life, which is a good thing, I hope I have enough life to keep up.

     I think I'm a fun guy, but if I get down (not terribly common) then I'm down and out (temporarily), a pathetic little problem called seasonal affective disorder(S.A.D. ironically), otherwise known as seasonal depression, but I prefer the term "winter blues".

What is that you ask?
Well a person who has it just has randomly placed depressed days, in the winter.  If you're not privy as to what depression is like, I will regrettably enlighten you.
Take all your ambitions and call them worthless.  Take all your friends and assume they like you out of pity.  Take all your personality defects and multiply them.  Take all your talents and devalue them, focus on how they lack in some areas.  Ignore that any kind of happiness or hope even exists.  Add all these together and you understand what a depressing day is.
    The curious part, for me anyway, is that in this state, I know fully well what's causing it and that most of the things my mind is telling me are false, and yet I'm still irreversibly in the dumps.
    I don't know why I felt compelled to write all that, probably sleep deprivation or something cuz I'm actully in a decent mood.

... this wasn't easy to write though....