Side effects may include

I never realized this until now!  Depression (which sucks through and through) can have a positive side effect!
Let's say your deep in a depressed funk, because that happens, and you are trying to do something you're not very good at.  Like a homework assignment in a class you are struggling with.
So your trying this and that and getting mad at yourself because that's what happens to depressed people do, when all of a sudden
EUREKA
You've not only suddenly understood what you were doing wrong the whole time, but you now know how to do it right!  Not only that, but it turns out that it was hard for everybody and you were one of the FIRST to get it right.
Your mood soars from a -4 or -5 to a high 8 or 9.

THE EFFECT IS ALMOST THE SAME AS HEROIN, BUT WITHOUT THE BAD PARTS OF HEROIN.
Now if this was figured out by a not-depressed person, they would probably say, "oh good I got it."  However, by a sad sack (I can refer to it like that because I'm one of them.  So there) it's more like "Oh good I got it, perhaps I'm not a failure!  Oh my, the sky is so blue today!  The birds are singing!" The effect is doubled because they not only get high on life, but they come from lower down.
Woot.
(But I'd still rather not have depression)

Randomness #8

It's been forever since I did an installment of Randomness!  Heck, my first one was almost an entire year ago!  Is this blog really that old?  Go figure.  A lot has happened in a year.  Eh, whatever, let's get to the random stuffz.

Snoring is evil.  Seriously, it's one bodies way of secretly trying to destroy the world one sleep deprived roommate at a time.  It's gonna get us!

Word of the day is Portend: To foreshadow.  Your slight interest in that portends that you will continue reading.  Unless you're a jerk who likes to feel smugly superior by deliberately not reading on just to prove me wrong.  Only you will know.

We were filmed in ballroom dance.  I didn't have a partner until the last minute, and it was someone I never practiced with before... it did not go very well.  However,  I still think I'm doing pretty well in that class.

Asiago bagels here are not very good.  Taste kind of like cheesy earwax >:P .

Pizza bagels here are amazing!  I would eat them everyday except that I wouldn't.  Cuz then they would get gross.

Let's cook an egg on the pavement, but not eat it.  Because that would be gross.  Because of the sediment.  F#!@ THAT S%#@!  Look how hilarious I can be.

Dry British humor is the best around.  I believe this because you have to have a quick wit to catch half of it.  You also have to have a decent intelligence (usually) to get some of it.  That way you're actually expanding your mind when you watch British shows.  Like Doctor Who.  It makes me smart.

I make some pretty dang freakin' good snickerdoodles.  They are much better than your grandma's.

Programming in Java comes very easily to some people.  I am not one of those people.  I think I MIGHT have basic HTML down.  Clearly being a web designer is out of the question for me.  That was never really in my consideration, though.

Boy, there's a lot of sex jokes on the internet.  It's almost as if people laugh at them.  Oh, but they do.  How crass.

Now poop.  Poop is refined humor.

I have probably proposed to more men then women.  Obviously this was done in jest, and I'm probably not bisexual.  ...  Hmm...  Well...  No, I'm not bisexual.  I've liked only women in any beyond-a-friend way.

Scratch that, I don't like anyone, you're all scum and love is dead.  (Imagine that said in a serious deadpan voice.)

Ooooooook, maybe you're not scum.  No, you're probably nice people.  I like you guys.  (Still deadpan.)

I wonder if there's more shy people in the world than outgoing ones.  We'd never be able to get a very accurate count of them, cuz they're shy.  I can say that cuz I'm shy.  In public anyways, on my blog I'll tell you anything, right down to a rash on me bum.

No rash, btw.

Well, that was fun wasn't it?  I'm glad you think so.  You really enjoyed it?  What the heck is wrong with you?  It's just some guy writing whatever pops into his addled mind.  You people are weird.
Oh alright...
Love you all!
[insert hug-that-makes-it-all-better here]

Liar

          If you met me in person, you would wonder who the heck writes this blog.
     Is this seriously the guy who writes all those depressing posts and occasionally some scattered deeper thoughts?  Well, I doubt it, he seems like a pretty happy guy!  Heck, he even seems friendly.
...
Well, you're right, I tend to be happier and more friendly when I'm talkin' to folks.  In public in general I usually am in a decent mood (key word is usually, mind you).  Also, if I am in one of my low down funks, like I was all fricking weekend, I'm excellent at faking a better mood.  Those acting classes paid off!
Understand that when I'm writing in my blog I'm alone.  It's when I'm alone that the demons are let loose on my conscious mind.  If you ever read my post about having Seasonal Affective Disorder (winter blues) I've come to realize that that wasn't right.  I've got year round depression.  Yipee.  However, I also have a strong rationalization mindset which means I can't hold onto a bad mood indefinitely.  Also, like I said, if I'm with people it's a lot easier to be happy.
So don't worry good folks!  If you choose to befriend me, you aren't in for a friendship of mopeyness!  The only person my depression generally affects is me.

And here's a song and video that always always get to me.
It kinda echoes my own conviction not to use meds.

FWHAT????

I was reading the Wikipedia article on loneliness out of curiosity and I read this:
At least one study has  correlated it with an increased risk of cancer, especially for those who hide their loneliness from the outside world, and it is also associated with increased risk of stroke and cardiovascular disease.
Ok, I can understand cardiovascular disease.  Being lonely a lot can be stressful!  I guess that can go for strokes too.
But cancer?  Aw man, being lonely a lot can cause CANCER?
I'm gonna die of cancer?!?!
Well, I'd need more data and less friends for that to happen I hink, but it's still rather shocking.

Well THAT was scary!

     Yesterday in the middle of ballroom dance class I was very suddenly struck with immense pain in my abdomen.  I've had some pretty bad stomach problems in the past, and those hurt for sure, but nothing like this!  I had to sit out of the rest of class, and upon returning to my dorm and trying to just lay down and hope it went away I concluded that this was no small thing and that I should probably get help.  Fortunately I had the sense of mind to call my mother to see whether I oughta call an ambulance (I was considering it because seriously I was ouch!)  She instead had me get my brother Dave to pick me up and take me to the clinic.
         After sucking blood and urine out of me, the doctor said a lot of scary words such as gall bladder disease, appendicitis, kidney stones and more.  They gave me some pretty heavy painkiller after this (non drowsy, surprisingly) and i went to spend the night with my brother (so I could get a speedy ride to ER if need be, which I didn't).
        Fortunately, the pain stopped and today I feel right as rain, though I did go in for an ultrasound today (who knew it was for more than just pregnant women).  It's definitely not kidney stones, but we won't write me off as entirely fit until we get the ultrasound results back.  If it's NOT one of my organs, then the doctor suggested that it was just a randomly severe case of gastric distress.
         Phew!  Crisis averted! (most likely)

Water water water!

Man, water's lucky!  It gets two hydrogens for every oxygen!

         In all seriousness I was thinking about water in a deep way today.  Just now really.  In a world of complicated relationships, man's relationship with water is one of the oddest.
         Before I start that I might as well talk about what I think about water in general.  First of all, it's one of the most destructive forces on the earth.  Whether it's slowly making it's way to make something like the grand canyon or being pushed by an earthquake to make a tsunami.  Earthquake=bad.  Tsunami=Usually worse.  In fact water is such a big part of Earth that ancient Greek scientists (called natural philosophers at the time) either put it as either one of the four elements (Avatar!) or as simply the base element of everything.  It's some pretty big stuff!
        As far as our relationship goes, it's definitely a weird one.  Our bodies are 70+% water.  We're essentially mobile and intelligent bags of mostly H2O!  If this percent sinks just a bit due to dehydration we wouldn't last the week.  So clearly, we should love water.  It keeps us not dead!
...
        On the other hand, when water comes to us for FREE from the SKY then a lot of us get grumpy and do things to keep that goshdarn water from touching us.  We don't want you water!  Only when we command it do we want you, water!!!
        And then there's the dark side of water.  Although it's good to be in us, there are parts of our body that would be pleased as punch to stay pretty much water free.  Namely the lungs is in this category.
We go swim in water (wetness is another thing we want on demand I guess) and then for some reason get pulled under by something or other we are in trouble.  Water refuses to be our friend and if we let it in our lungs.  It gets us very dead.
        Also showering? Bathing? Water fights? Chinese water torture?  It's so comprehensive!
Water is our lifeblood, our entertainment, our hygiene, our irritation, our murderer, and sometimes a source of extreme destruction.
Well well well...

(hey, you get water out of a well!)

Just what DO I want?

Am I unique in this?

Man I'm getting to dread Friday nights...
        Every time I walk through campus on a friday evening there are so many people with one thing in common.  They're with somebody.  I don't mean in a couple sense (though there's plenty of those too) but just with SOMEBODY... whether its a friend or work partner I don't know.
       I guess I'm just a bit lonely.
This isn't fair to the friends I do have here.  I'm not a friendless bastard, but I can't say I have a high number and they, well, have other things to do lots of the time.  I surely can't blame them.  Also I don't think it's that I'm repulsive... just shy which makes making new friends sorta difficult.
         Heh, I sound pathetic don't I.

As for dating, well I'm kinda just praying for freak chance in that department.
grrrrrr

WOOOOO

The Minecraft 1.8 update is out!!!!!  YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Oh man, say goodbye to the sun from nerdy Khail!  YES!

Cool breeze

        I love a cool breeze!   But this is a metaphorical breeze.  It's just a feeling of calm that I feel right now.  Very enjoyable.
       So something pretty cool happened yesterday.  It regarded my tap dance class.  You see, for the first couple weeks I was ready to write myself off as too hopelessly uncoordinated to be any good at tap dancing, I was floundering pretty badly.  I was especially worried about yesterday because I hadn't gotten a practice in that I meant to on Saturday.  I figured I would probably crash and burn.

But I didn't!

       Don't get me wrong, I'm not top of the class or anything, but I kept up way better than I thought I would.  I even managed to loosen up my arms a bit (that's a good thing to be able to do if you tap).
       Also, today marks the second time that I've done very well in my ballroom class, not to mention I wasn't the dude left out because there was one more guy than girl (ugh, they should moderate so that doesn't happer).  This is a good thing.

Y'know, I've really been enjoying these two classes...  And today I was considering, just maybe, that I might want to minor in dance...
       I realize I don't have the same advantages as the folks who've had dance classes since they were 4, but I'm catching on pretty well, and I have had experience from a few classes as well as plenty of musical theatre.  Plus, with a minor in ance, I can teach ballroom dance.  This could be a good social output in the future if I do get a career in video editing, which is a bit more lonely (though in truth I like working alone, so it's no big deal).  Balance is nice.

Dancing is fun. (I would just like to say that I didn't get into dancing because of the girls.  Believe me, that's a perk, but not an initiative.)

10 years ago...

          At the exact moment that they fell... well I was at school most certainly...  third grade it would have been.  Probably happened during recess.
         We all came in from it and began our normal lessons.  The janitor, who was everybody's favorite person in the school, walked in and simply said something along the lines of "The Twin Towers fell".
         I didn't get it at first (I was pretty young) but I do know that the rest of the day I saw the same scene on televisions all throughout the school.  Being only 8, I just couldn't comprehend that 3000-5000 people had just died.  Not from accident either, but from people.  People who put their own lives up to kill others.
        After a long day at school where very little was learned, I got home to my mom watching that scene again.  She was crying.  For some reason, that's when it really hit me too.
        That night, we left the news on all the time.  I saw the big flashing words of "America at War".  I saw fires on the TV where we had been bombing (it took me a long time to realize why).  I remember my little brothers didn't have a clue what was going on.  I sort of envy them for that.
...
...
Throughout history, worse events have happened.  In my history, though, this probably tops any other...

Cast list

Name	Age	Status
Khail	18	Not givin' up yet!
Mack	Unknown	A failed experiment
Brine	16	A lamp
Daniel	18	The hipster Asian! (but don't tell him)
Aaron	19	Missionary man!
Trocker	16	Well that didn't work...
Spirit	17?	Going on three/four months with no talking!

If you want to be on this list, just ask :)

grumble ... (i hate depression) .... grumble
UPDATE ON WEDNESDAY:
...(still hate it)... grumble

La belle demoiselle

              Hmm...  Now here's something curious:  For the first time in about 6 or 5 months I saw a female who I found, well, attractive.
             It's not that in all that time I've never seen someone who I thought pretty, but it was just that.  A run of the mill "oh, she's cute" then never think of her again sort of thing.  Not the case this time.
          Well, I don't know her name, but I've seen her a couple times on campus and for some reason I've thought of her a lot.  I'm fairly certain she's a freshman like me, cuz she was wearing this years freshman orientation shirt and, well, she looked like the kind of indie girl I would, y'know, get along well with.
         Now I'll be the first to say of course that this is just fantasizing.  I don't know this person, maybe we're completely incompatible and it's not unlikely that we'll never meet.  Still, a guy can dream.  I'm pretty glad I'm dreaming again, 'cuz it's been ridiculous how long it's taken for that to kick back into action.  I mean, I haven't really dated at all or anything in, well, 5-6 months.  Can't say I'm the most social creature, but I do like dating.  Quite a lot really.
          So I'll tell you if I meet with success in any exploits or anything because if you still read this blog it means that you must be interested in that sort of thing.

Heheh

Well I was wrong in my last post...
She's not considering giving up on life.  Just her boyfriend.
...
oops.
In her blog it was worded so that it could've been easily taken the way I took it... in my defense...
Well, y'know it actually wasn't as bad as I make it sound because
A) I never directly confronted her
B) I don't think it's a bad thing that I'm so ready to jump into action at potential threat signs
C) I'm friendsish with her boyfriend so we were working together and he didn't mind that I was a whistle blower (and they stayed together after all.)
Sooooooooooo crisis which didn't ever exist averted I guess.  Who doesn't love a happy ending?
(Emos, that's who)