Decisions Decisions

      I double checked.  BYU actually offers a broadcast journalism major under communications.  I checked the classes and it fits what I'm looking for in quite a smooth way.  So  I can quite easily stay here just fine and try for the job I want.
   I can stay at BYU...
Shouldn't I be more excited about this? ...
(sigh)
        My experience here hasn't been what I thought it'd be.  Not ideally, for sure.  I'm no stranger to broken expectations, but that doesn't make it any more fun to have to face them again.  I mean I haven't exactly made any "close" friends.  No one's really clicked at all.  Plus wasn't I supposed to be having some kind of mega spiritual time here?  I mean I'm still faithful and all that, but frankly I haven't felt any real change from how I was to how I am now.  Except depressed more often.  That's happened.
       Admittedly, I feel obligated to stay at BYU for a few reasons.  One thing is the price.  I would be hard pressed to find a tuition this cheap for a school this well renowned (and I'm not exactly scholarship material).  Plus, pretty much my entire family has gone here.  Not to mention I gave quite a bit up to come here.  Like everything and everyone (to some degree) back at home.
(sigh)
       Well, I certainly feel that I should stay here until my mission.  Maybe I'll figure something out then.
Maybe.

BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!

Choices Choices

      So I've looked over the major choices that I looked at and frankly they just aren't clicking like I'd like.  So I did some blending of the things I like.  Video editing and being in front of cameras as well as just being in smaller groups...  Of course!
News Anchor!
       In high school I was our small TV stations weatherman, and let me tell you, it was fun times.  I loved to put together the backgrounds and then deliver it to our school population.  Also, because our news team wasn't perfect, I had to fill in for the anchors as well.  That was also enjoyable, although I did prefer the improvisation that the came with being the weatherman.  However, in the career field, usually being a weatherman requires a degree in meteorology which requires more math than I am comfortable with, so anchoring is more preferable on an education standpoint overall.  Plus who knows, if I get the job maybe I'll get to run one of those morning shows that looks so fun, which also have more improv I believe.
         I think the ideal major for this is either a broadcasting major or a communications audio/visual major.
One problem:  Neither is offered at BYU...
         So, I'm staying at BYU until my mission to get GEs... and then I'm looking at different schools.
Perhaps goodbye BYU?  It's not the easiest decision, but to be honest it's not the hardest either.  I enjoy being in a college environment without many of the college stereotypes of getting wasted and laid (Woo Mormons!) but I'll be honest that I've had trouble fitting in regardless.  If I choose a school closer to my ancestral home of Wisconsin, there's a good chance some of my old high school friends will be with me again, and I'd be lying if I said that didn't appeal to me.  I know that I'd be back to being one of few Mormons there, but if I let that get in the way of a fun career, then I'm a fool.
        If anyone has any suggestions on schools with these majors (I know it's a long shot) than you could... comment?  Maybe?  Please?  I'll make you cookies sometime if you do...  Once I get access to an oven that is.

Oh I did have my first date in many many months yesterday, it was enjoyable.

Academic Musings

     So I did something.  I've withdrawn my intent to apply to my media arts major.  I don't think I'll re-submit it either.  Film editing is fun and all, but the program here at BYU is not what I'm looking for (it's more for people who want to be film critics and directors, neither of which really appeal to me) and frankly other film schools freak me the heck out (much drinking and making more people... uggghhhh).  So film is bye bye for now.  I'll still edit in my spare time I imagine and I probably will continue to want to improve my vlog.  So now I'm open major.  Hmmmm....
      Ok, so I've given it some more thought than I'm letting on.  I've even looked through the majors offered and two of them have caught my eye.  So here's the pro/cons of both!!!
ZEE MAJORS!:

Acting

PROS:  
+ I've always liked acting, film or stage
+ I've got a decent amount of experience in acting in front of people
+ I have found that many cute girls frequent the acting department (BUT I WON'T LET THAT SWAY MY DECISION IN ANY WAY ACTUALLY!)  (actually forget this point was brought up)

CONS:
+ Money is not an easy thing to get with an acting degree, unless you teach, but I don't want to teach.
+ Actors can be frightening people sometimes.  I think I can honestly say that.

Sound Recording Technology

(note: this is half a music major, many music classes)

PROS:

+ More money is probable and more steady with this than with acting

+ Music is a passion of mine, but not an extreme forte (I'm good, but not spectacular to put it self-consciously) so this would involve me in a music dept. that requires external skills.

+ Sound editing (which I assume is involved) is almost as fun as video editing.

+ I've got a bit of a divine tip that I should be involved in music to some degree

CONS:

+ It's not acting.  I LIKE acting

+ I have a little less previous experience in this department (the technology one)

+ There's piano classes.  I'm not a very gifted piano player.

So those are the my prime choices.  They're subject to change obviously, but I like them both.  Got input?  Comment and tell me!  I'd be happy for any advices!

Garbage, thy name is Khail

       I don't really know what I think in term of my own philosophy any more.  I want to be an individual and be accepting overall, but somethings just plain annoy me.
       I've got a couple edges pushing on me for this.  My own depression (2 weeks til therapy, good thing.), my religious background (I am faithful and plan to be forever), an atheistic older brother who I'm pretty close to (he's a little less abrasive than he used to be, so that's actually alright).
       So I'd say I'm mostly accepting of what people choose to do, but I honestly get slightly upset when I find that friends are drinking, smoking, looking at porn.  Sure, they seem to be happy with what they're doing, and that should be good enough for me, but they're making, in what is my opinion, really stupid decisions.
Ahghlbrbl
        Where the frick am I going with this?  I thought I was having a good day earlier.  What happened?  When will this fricking roller coaster of my life even out?  When will I get to do all the fun crazy college things I should be trying (and I mean fun, not drunk, obviously).  I don't even care right now if I look like the "typical freshman" right now.  If that's the price of enjoying myself a LITTLE than heck it's worth it.  Ugh.  I can't even think straight, focus on anything, motivate myself to do anything.  I get mad over stupid things, think the world's attacking me, and the worst thing is that I'm totally aware of all that.
         I look back at the things I say/do when I was in a low funk and I realize how irrational I sound or how pathetic I look (I'll probably look back at this very blog post someday and think something similar). I just don't really like me.  Not always.  Not right now certainly.  Good thing I work tonight, that usually lifts my spirits a little.
      It's so sudden too!  Before my second class today I was diving into my third brass choir, which I had high aspirations for.  After class I just ate, hung with Daniel for a bit, and suddenly BLAM I hate things.
       Mmm, no that's not accurate.  I don't really hate.  Never actually acquired the skill.  I still see beauty in things when I'm sliding.  I just feel... sad.  There, I said it.  I dislike sounding so weak, but yes. I'm sad.  Ok?  Emotions... blagh, what a mistake.

AFTER WORK:  Ahh, work does make me feel better... phew!

My grain

Your grain is oats.
His grain is wheat.
Her grain is barley.
Their grain is corn.
Migraine is PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and rice)

oops

I mixed it up, I have a date NEXT weekend, not this one.
oops.
I sort of cut a class today, it wasn't a very important one.
oops.
I knocked my headphones against something and now they don't really work anymore.
oops.
I caught myself making another self-absorbed blog post.
oops.
I was going to go to the video editing bay, but chickened out once I saw people were there and that my headphones don't work.
oops.

Silly Khail.
oops.

Well well well

    Huh... I already get to play Minecraft.  In other words, and more importantly, I have a date on Friday.  My first date in... geeze, forever!!
...
Maybe I'm NOT a failure, she seems happy to go with me (not a pity date is what I mean).
The date idea is really cool, too.  It's a mystery dinner date night where everyone gets a persona assigned and one person is a thief!  It sounds awesome!!

I suspect that after this first date (it's a just friends thing I believe) I will be a lot more willing to go on more social excursions with more people which could be exactly what I need!

I am the happy!

Tis better to have...

     I have this little ultimatum I've given myself.  I am not allowed to play minecraft until I get a date.  There's an event this Friday that I'd really like to take someone to.  The only problem is that it's this Friday and I am me.  I'm not feeling very optimistic about it currently, though I'm not in a very good mood right now to begin with, so maybe when I cheer up later.
      Another problem is that I don't really have anyone in mind.  My hopeless romantic self has been so dead since I came to college, besides the occasional "Oh she's cute" phenomena.  It's like I don't even know me anymore.
       Still, cutting down on Minecraft will probably be for the best, as it's been my drug of choice lately, so this will help me get a better hold on my homework I think.  Maybe.  Doubtful.
meh

...murrrrgh, my counseling needs to start soon.  It's not til early November...

Aw C'MON!!!!

          Seriously Fate?!?!  You're a prick, Fate!  In all honesty, you are the most unfeelingly cruel woman (yes, in myth Fate is a woman, rather Fates, there was more than one) ever to be around.  Tossing coins into the air with people's happiness all depending on how they fall to the ground and then not even caring to look at them once they've fallen.
          Fate, you're a whore!  I swear, maybe you do watch people's lives and have calculated perfectly when someone is happy enough to have something obnoxious happen to them!
         Eff you Fate!  Is this a personal vendetta?  What have I done to you before now?!  You orchestrate the most perfect ways to ruin my high times!  You burn the fricking bridges back to them!  You pulverize and desecrate the grounds on which joy is even possible, after gardening them yourself!  What in the name of everything is wrong with you, Fate?
        Die in a hole Fate!  We don't need you!  The world would continue just fine without your skillfully choreographed plans for suffering!  We don't need you, we don't want you, we revile you, Fate!

No, I don't believe there is some woman named Fate (if there was, I'd throttle her anyway).  Stuff just happens sometimes.  It seems so odd though, however, that I'll finally have a couple truly great days and then they will crash around my ears in a few choice events.  It was so perfectly set off that it almost seems planned.

,jdsafljkhasfhkfhflasiuhflkdjbvjshbvl j3;oruioeuryt9384turlisajfvjhv.k vuhfsdjlkbjshg djfkjbvkjshgflsdkjflifesawhoreljhdflksajhflih nfmmalfkjbdkjhvlmichhfbdvulhifuiruhgldfvjbvmxncbv,lkjhvixycviupociuwoehrqlj;ksd;vkzdnvkjnfhfhfhfpiduhlxckjvbz,jfsahflishflgoawaydfhaslkjb

Ok, I feel marginally better now.

Not bad at all

       I've been doing some thinking lately.  And that's it!  I used to love to just ponder and philosophize about things.  Then came what I'm beginning to call the dark period (until I think of a cooler word than period) which is when my depression at college exploded into me just being a drudge and an antisocial gamer.  I'm still a bit anti-social, but I've been feeling better about things probably because I decided to clean up my life with setting a therapy appointment and a daily schedule among other things.  I'm going to try to meet new people as well.
      Out of all this clean uppery is indeed that I'm philosophizing with myself again (I sometimes bounce these little philosophies off of my brother, Dave, but usually I can really only talk them through with myself).  One thing I considered is energy.  Who wouldn't love an infinite energy source?  It's a secret dream that scientists like to play around with.  It occurred to me, however, that there'd be no point to an infinite source if the amount that could be taken at once was minuscule.  We would need an infinite source as well as an infinite (or just really large) quick access to the energy.  That's the problem with wind and solar power.  Although they aren't technically "infinite" they are a good source of energy that we can assume won't go anywhere for awhile.  The problem is quick access.  It takes a lot of sun soaking and a good deal of rotations of a windmill to get enough energy to do anything useful.
I guess it's probably not an original thought, but to me it is.  I like to figure things out for myself (usually, not math in general though).
So that's good.

Wow... my cologne smells so good I could just eat my wrist!

There and back.... once more

I'm proud of me.  I'm seeking therapy.  I had a talk with a few friends and they all said I should probably go for it, and now I am.
I think the main reason I didn't do this earlier is because I used to think it made me look weak.  Well, I don't know if it does, but what I'm doing is taking something that's already a weakness of mine and confronting it.  I did the same thing with my old fear of heights, and now I want to go skydiving badly!  I used to have no taste for spicy food at all, but I decided to keep trying it and now I love tabasco on things.
This is a good thing.

Happenings

      I just feel like talking about what's going on in life lately.  A "I'm lazy so I'll just do a long Facebook post" blog post.  If you don't like that then... umm... ok.  Sorry.  But not really.
So today and yesterday was General Conference.  This is a Mormon event when the leaders of the church basically give little talks/counsel on religious things.  It's very inspirational, even though I was watching online and occasionally missed a bit because I had to refresh.  For some reason loneliness seemed to be the theme of the first Saturday session.  Dang, are they talking to me specifically or something?  It's been known to happen, they're pretty inspired people.  I love my church.
         On the topic of religiosity I was skyping me friend Emily and she told me about a Ouija board experience they had.  It was creepy!  I've never really wanted to do Ouija myself because I do believe in spirits and stuff (why can't a past life wander the Earth before judgement day?) also it has some sort of occult references I think and I am freaked way out by that.  I hold the Priesthood for crying out loud!  I shouldn't get into dark things like that!
         Also in the skype deal it was pointed out that this blog has been really depressing lately.  Has it?  Sorry folks, I hate to worry you all, but I can't actually give you a lot of positive news on that front.  I'm having problems with things in me.  It's genetic or whatever.  (No one is allowed to say suicide, however, I decided a looooong time ago that that is not an option.  Chill)
          Actually I think I've figured out some of the root causes.  It's how I came to college (not college itself).  Before I left I was dumped and frankly was pretty hurt.  (That just happens, there was no one wrong in the situation I think.)  Maybe people noticed and maybe they didn't, but I did become withdrawn for about the rest of the school year.  Then poof, off to college still kinda withdrawn a bit (not only from the breakup, but my own genetics helped.)  So I spent the first bit in my dorm while everyone else made friends.  Then they had friends.  And I did not.  (Fortunately Aaron and Daniel did swoop in and save me a lot of later doldrum.  They're champs.)  Now I'm shy, which I guess I wasn't so much in high school, and I don't like that very much.  Not at all honestly-
waitasecond



DANG IT!

I was trying NOT to make this a whining post!  How did this happen!!
ok ok...
Sunshine!
Bunnies!
Balloons!
Steak!
Jesus!
Love-wait, no not love...
Kite Flying!
Ballroom Dancing!
Rock Climbing!
(phew)

       OK I feel better (that and Matisyahu helped).  I have good days, I swear!  It's just that when I have bad ones I like to write about it in this blog to get it out a bit (just a bit).  I don't know if that means I shouldn't take it seriously, but do know that I do have good days!  Plenty of them!