Uh oh, existential ennui is beginning to bloom within me.

HOLD ... IT... OFF!

Maybe I can sleep it off?

I'm gonna ignore the pain in where I can only assume my appendix is.  It's probably nothing.  Ignoring how many times I threw up this morning, though that was probably from the migraine.

Existential crisiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis, stay away!  I'm ... happy isn't the right word... content with my place in the universe and my relative size!  Go away crushing thoughts!

FACE

I have a face!
-_-
Sleepy face.
        I got a job for Vector Marketing, which means I sell Cutco knives which, as it turns out, are actually very good knives.  Also, it's not telemarketing, which is good.  It's all pre-set demos, which sounds alright to me!  Yeah.

      So I totally had the opportunity to flirt with someone I didn't know and I BLEW IT!  I was at payless shoe source... getting shoes.  And the clerk lady was both attractive and British!  Also, the computer stalled during the purchase which was a wide open chance!  She also said she liked my fedora, not just hat, but she said fedora!
I could have dropped a line!  I don't know any effective lines, but hey I could've dropped a bad one...

(A very strange man gave me a similar comment later the same day, but that's really not related).

       At least I felt the inclination to flirt.  I'm still extremely weirded out by my lack of attraction towards anyone lately.  Well that sounds wrong, I still think women are attractive and I have friends who are of the feminine definition, but I'm completely loveless.  No "crushes" I've had have lasted more than... a week maybe?  A week tops for sure.  I try to convince myself I "like" someone (these all sound like such juvenile phrases, but I suppose they still apply) but that is really not a good idea I think.  What's up with this?  I used to be a totally hopeless romantic!
Bah.
       Maybe I've just not met the "right person".  I know I'm over my last girlfriend, excellent as she was, but heck the anniversary of our break up (actually me getting dumped, but not rudely) is in about a month, so pining over her would be pointless, and I have no reason to.  Not sure why I brought it up.
Maybe I'm just setting some unreachable standard or waiting for some divine message on who I should date?



Meh.

I watched a lot of Phineas and Ferb today.

The more I look

          The more and more I look at it, the more I like how the major of Sound Recording Technology sounds.  I've been researching it for a bit and it seems like the thing for me.  It touches my artistic side with the music classes offered as well as my tech-nerd side with the fancy microphones and the editing that takes place.  I wanted to be a video editor at first, but while I do that with my vlog, I've found that editing the soundtrack is just as much fun, and the program offered here can actually incorporate a little bit of video production/editing...
Sweet!
          Ok... ok, decision time.  Although I probably won't be able to apply until I'm back from my mission, I'm going to seek acceptance into the sound recording technology major.

And yes, I'm over my depression from Friday, don't you all worry.


ALSO, while signing up for classes for spring, I totally just impulsively added a piano and an organ class.  My dream of playing the pipe organ may be realized!!!

A lot of my friends find or have found significant others.
I am happy for them.
I am not happy in general though.
This is a bad weekend so far.

Whyyyyyyyy

       I woke up depressed today.  Unpleasantly depressed.  The kind where you think too much about who you are and why you don't like that.
Blerhg
       I think I'll go to class today.  I don't want the slippery slope (what a political weapon of a term.  friggin' politicians) of missing class and then missing more class and then having too much to get caught up so I don't get caught up and then dropping out and then failing at life and living out of some dumpster.
       That and I really shouldn't have a day to myself until I can get my spirits up a bit.  Being alone really just speeds up a case of the grays.
Which reminds me!  Daniel posed an interesting question on depression and colors, so I made a spectrum.  It does not include all the colors.
So...
GRAY:  Gray is the blahs.  The "life is the same everyday and I'm tired" existential blahs.  I'm pretty gray right now.
BLUE:  Blue is an artistic kind of depression.  This is more experience driven, in my experience.  The "oh she left me" and then you write great music or paint things variety.
BLACK:  Black is bad.  Suicide bad.  If you feel black, you need to find people and be with people.
YELLOW:  But not a sunshine yellow, more of a sickly icky yellow.  Which is what it is.  It's that worn out down feeling you get when you're sick.  blegh.
WHITE: A sort of garish white.  Scrubbed interior of an evil government building white.  This is the "nothing currently feels real" feeling.  Not necessarily depression, but it's weird and unpleasant.  And you can also taste your own tongue and feel the shoe against your foot.

Good enough.  I'm done.

For the record, although I don't hate Valentine's day, seeing a lot of happy couples and their excruciatingly cute FB posts and pictures the next day is PRETTY DANGED PAINFUL!

Allow me to compile my senses

       At this time last year (specifically valentines day) I was delirious with love.  If you feel so inclined you can even look up that post and you'll find it is very discombobulated.  Well, this year I'm pretty single, but I have things to say about the day anyhow.
       Currently, I'm not one of the people who preps nice things and goes on about how he likes the holiday, because there is no reason for me to do those things.  But neither do I go on about how it's one big commercialized whoopdeedoo or that it's "single awareness day" or maybe that you should just show that kind of love all year.  I'll address all those things.
       As for it being a commercialized holiday, what holiday isn't?  The celebratory 24 hours came before the big boxes of chocolates in the store window and the obnoxious cupid advertisements.  And it's entirely up to a person whether or not to indulge in the way-too-colorful gifts that are pretty easy to buy.  And if that's what their partner wants then more power to them.  But one can take the idea of the day and choose give more meaningful things.  For instance, last year all my valentines gifts to my then love were homemade (oh except a flower, that was bought I guess) and they appeared to be very well received.  So I managed to keep the charmingness of the day without becoming a corporate tool!  Go me!
       As for it being "single awareness day" that's just bitterness.  Yeah people are going out a cheesy romantic dates and getting things and probably ...  anyway... and you aren't.  So?  You COULD use valentines day to show love to a justfriends friend or you could entirely ignore it and move on.  Ok, I admit it can be hard to ignore sometimes.  Believe me that I know the fear of dieing alone is strongest on Valentines day when you are single, but that's no reason to ruin someone elses day by touting about the evils of single awareness day to them.  That's just being mean.  Other people currently have the opportunity to have a fine romantic day and why would you want to ruin it by whining at them?  Stiff upper lip, mate!  S'only once a year, don't ya worry!
         Now if you are in a relationship and you're met with the infamous "why not let Valentines Day be all year?  You only love him/her that one day?  Weak" (you probably heard this from someone who believes in "single awareness day").  The reason you don't show the kind of affection expected on V-day is because that would EXHAUST you.  I believe you when you say you love him/her but it doesn't always mean you're infatuated with him/her (because infatuation all the time would be likewise exhausting).  The idea of V-day is to be infatuated with love again.  To be cornily romantic (which really is quite fun) for the day.  I'm not saying you shouldn't only do it once a year, but there's no reason why you should choose specifically not to on V-day.  Why not?  It's already got the societal glue of ritual behind it and there's no shame in that.

Besides.... Presents!!

Aww

I.  am.  doing.  TERRIBLY at this media fast!  Aww!

Although I do now do my homework and a little creative work before netflixing, so it's better than nothing, plus my facebook usage is way down.  Not my netflix usage though :3