My grain

Your grain is oats.
His grain is wheat.
Her grain is barley.
Their grain is corn.
Migraine is PAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (and rice)

oops

I mixed it up, I have a date NEXT weekend, not this one.
oops.
I sort of cut a class today, it wasn't a very important one.
oops.
I knocked my headphones against something and now they don't really work anymore.
oops.
I caught myself making another self-absorbed blog post.
oops.
I was going to go to the video editing bay, but chickened out once I saw people were there and that my headphones don't work.
oops.

Silly Khail.
oops.

Well well well

    Huh... I already get to play Minecraft.  In other words, and more importantly, I have a date on Friday.  My first date in... geeze, forever!!
...
Maybe I'm NOT a failure, she seems happy to go with me (not a pity date is what I mean).
The date idea is really cool, too.  It's a mystery dinner date night where everyone gets a persona assigned and one person is a thief!  It sounds awesome!!

I suspect that after this first date (it's a just friends thing I believe) I will be a lot more willing to go on more social excursions with more people which could be exactly what I need!

I am the happy!

Tis better to have...

     I have this little ultimatum I've given myself.  I am not allowed to play minecraft until I get a date.  There's an event this Friday that I'd really like to take someone to.  The only problem is that it's this Friday and I am me.  I'm not feeling very optimistic about it currently, though I'm not in a very good mood right now to begin with, so maybe when I cheer up later.
      Another problem is that I don't really have anyone in mind.  My hopeless romantic self has been so dead since I came to college, besides the occasional "Oh she's cute" phenomena.  It's like I don't even know me anymore.
       Still, cutting down on Minecraft will probably be for the best, as it's been my drug of choice lately, so this will help me get a better hold on my homework I think.  Maybe.  Doubtful.
meh

...murrrrgh, my counseling needs to start soon.  It's not til early November...

Aw C'MON!!!!

          Seriously Fate?!?!  You're a prick, Fate!  In all honesty, you are the most unfeelingly cruel woman (yes, in myth Fate is a woman, rather Fates, there was more than one) ever to be around.  Tossing coins into the air with people's happiness all depending on how they fall to the ground and then not even caring to look at them once they've fallen.
          Fate, you're a whore!  I swear, maybe you do watch people's lives and have calculated perfectly when someone is happy enough to have something obnoxious happen to them!
         Eff you Fate!  Is this a personal vendetta?  What have I done to you before now?!  You orchestrate the most perfect ways to ruin my high times!  You burn the fricking bridges back to them!  You pulverize and desecrate the grounds on which joy is even possible, after gardening them yourself!  What in the name of everything is wrong with you, Fate?
        Die in a hole Fate!  We don't need you!  The world would continue just fine without your skillfully choreographed plans for suffering!  We don't need you, we don't want you, we revile you, Fate!

No, I don't believe there is some woman named Fate (if there was, I'd throttle her anyway).  Stuff just happens sometimes.  It seems so odd though, however, that I'll finally have a couple truly great days and then they will crash around my ears in a few choice events.  It was so perfectly set off that it almost seems planned.

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Ok, I feel marginally better now.

Not bad at all

       I've been doing some thinking lately.  And that's it!  I used to love to just ponder and philosophize about things.  Then came what I'm beginning to call the dark period (until I think of a cooler word than period) which is when my depression at college exploded into me just being a drudge and an antisocial gamer.  I'm still a bit anti-social, but I've been feeling better about things probably because I decided to clean up my life with setting a therapy appointment and a daily schedule among other things.  I'm going to try to meet new people as well.
      Out of all this clean uppery is indeed that I'm philosophizing with myself again (I sometimes bounce these little philosophies off of my brother, Dave, but usually I can really only talk them through with myself).  One thing I considered is energy.  Who wouldn't love an infinite energy source?  It's a secret dream that scientists like to play around with.  It occurred to me, however, that there'd be no point to an infinite source if the amount that could be taken at once was minuscule.  We would need an infinite source as well as an infinite (or just really large) quick access to the energy.  That's the problem with wind and solar power.  Although they aren't technically "infinite" they are a good source of energy that we can assume won't go anywhere for awhile.  The problem is quick access.  It takes a lot of sun soaking and a good deal of rotations of a windmill to get enough energy to do anything useful.
I guess it's probably not an original thought, but to me it is.  I like to figure things out for myself (usually, not math in general though).
So that's good.

Wow... my cologne smells so good I could just eat my wrist!

There and back.... once more

I'm proud of me.  I'm seeking therapy.  I had a talk with a few friends and they all said I should probably go for it, and now I am.
I think the main reason I didn't do this earlier is because I used to think it made me look weak.  Well, I don't know if it does, but what I'm doing is taking something that's already a weakness of mine and confronting it.  I did the same thing with my old fear of heights, and now I want to go skydiving badly!  I used to have no taste for spicy food at all, but I decided to keep trying it and now I love tabasco on things.
This is a good thing.

Happenings

      I just feel like talking about what's going on in life lately.  A "I'm lazy so I'll just do a long Facebook post" blog post.  If you don't like that then... umm... ok.  Sorry.  But not really.
So today and yesterday was General Conference.  This is a Mormon event when the leaders of the church basically give little talks/counsel on religious things.  It's very inspirational, even though I was watching online and occasionally missed a bit because I had to refresh.  For some reason loneliness seemed to be the theme of the first Saturday session.  Dang, are they talking to me specifically or something?  It's been known to happen, they're pretty inspired people.  I love my church.
         On the topic of religiosity I was skyping me friend Emily and she told me about a Ouija board experience they had.  It was creepy!  I've never really wanted to do Ouija myself because I do believe in spirits and stuff (why can't a past life wander the Earth before judgement day?) also it has some sort of occult references I think and I am freaked way out by that.  I hold the Priesthood for crying out loud!  I shouldn't get into dark things like that!
         Also in the skype deal it was pointed out that this blog has been really depressing lately.  Has it?  Sorry folks, I hate to worry you all, but I can't actually give you a lot of positive news on that front.  I'm having problems with things in me.  It's genetic or whatever.  (No one is allowed to say suicide, however, I decided a looooong time ago that that is not an option.  Chill)
          Actually I think I've figured out some of the root causes.  It's how I came to college (not college itself).  Before I left I was dumped and frankly was pretty hurt.  (That just happens, there was no one wrong in the situation I think.)  Maybe people noticed and maybe they didn't, but I did become withdrawn for about the rest of the school year.  Then poof, off to college still kinda withdrawn a bit (not only from the breakup, but my own genetics helped.)  So I spent the first bit in my dorm while everyone else made friends.  Then they had friends.  And I did not.  (Fortunately Aaron and Daniel did swoop in and save me a lot of later doldrum.  They're champs.)  Now I'm shy, which I guess I wasn't so much in high school, and I don't like that very much.  Not at all honestly-
waitasecond



DANG IT!

I was trying NOT to make this a whining post!  How did this happen!!
ok ok...
Sunshine!
Bunnies!
Balloons!
Steak!
Jesus!
Love-wait, no not love...
Kite Flying!
Ballroom Dancing!
Rock Climbing!
(phew)

       OK I feel better (that and Matisyahu helped).  I have good days, I swear!  It's just that when I have bad ones I like to write about it in this blog to get it out a bit (just a bit).  I don't know if that means I shouldn't take it seriously, but do know that I do have good days!  Plenty of them!